Turbulent Waters

So, first.  The big news!

I came in at #9 for the top ten posts of the week on EJ, so I am officially going to get paid for my work.  I’ve been getting paid for the content writing for a few months now, but this is my own words, and what I felt were important words that helped people, and I am so very excited about it.

Read the Post: To the Woman He Walked Away From

Unfortunately, the news came at the most hectic part of my evening, and I don’t think that I’ve fully processed it yet.

This afternoon Matthew had an orthodontist appointment – they put a thicker wire in and changed his bands.  I warned him that it would likely make his teeth hurt, but he reiterated what he’s been saying for weeks – “I’m different.”  Okay, Matthew.

I came home and sat down and started working on a content article, and then Emma brought Chase home.  I reviewed the school work he had and the work he still needed to do, and in the midst Sophia messaged me and asked if I was available to talk, and Oliver responded to a text from earlier in the day.  I finished with Chase and attempted to call Sophia back, but she was still at work and busy so wasn’t available.  I answered Oliver’s text and went back to writing my article.  Just as I was finishing, Sophia called and I realized it was time to make dinner and Matt was telling me that he needed some Motrin because – guess what – his teeth hurt. . . and right then, in the midst of the crazy, the email came  from EJ – “We’re paying our best writers, and you’re one of them! Congrats!”

I had suspected once I hit 2k readers that there was a chance.  I even gauged about how much I would earn. 

And I wasn’t wrong.

I screamed in Sophia’s ear and read her the email.  Screenshots and text messages and then holy shit, Motrin for Matt and pancakes and bacon being made and all of a sudden I still hadn’t finished my content writing, I still wanted to finish my latest article for EJ, and I still had a blog post and a test to help Chase with and what the fuuuuuck.

So now here we are, at just after ten o’clock at night.  I’m finishing this up and forcing myself into some yoga and mediation to cool my blood and calm my soul for sleep. . .

I have now submitted two more pieces to EJ for review and am anxiously awaiting a response.  I should get results in the next week or so.  I do have a piece coming up for publishing later this month on Her View from Home, as well.  All exciting stuff.  This year has been such a weird clusterfuck of “what just hit me?” – on both sides of the fence.  The bad, and the good.  Maybe in late December I’ll be able to look back and figure out what train hit me and when, and see what lessons I learned and what is worth carrying into 2021 and what’s best to leave behind.  For now, I’m just hanging on and hoping for the best.

Which, of course, brings us to our quote.

“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship.”

Louisa May Alcott

I love Louisa, for the record.

Anyway, as I just stated, this year has been a complete clusterfuck.  That’s not a big secret.  I don’t think I’ve talked to a single human being that has been like, yeah!  2020 has been great to me!  It’s the biggest mess I think I have ever encountered. . . and it’s because I just don’t know what to think or feel from one moment to the next.  This roller coaster is one helluva roller coaster.  This storm of a year is full of hellacious winds and torrential down pours and then really nice, serene eyes that lull you into a sense of calm and then . . . holy shit, here we go again with the nonsense.

I’ve had some real rough years. I’ve sailed some rough seas.  Some dark and turbulent waters.  And while I can’t say that this is the roughest year I’ve encountered, it’s definitely the most confusing.  Our entire world has been turned upside down by a pandemic, I’ve had my own personal bullshit to deal with, and in the midst of it I’m achieving success that I had dismissed as a missed opportunity, as a lost dream.  So, what in the actual fuck am I supposed to be feeling?

But I am without a doubt learning some shit.  And I am without a doubt going to be a different person on January 1st, 2021 than I was on January 1st, 2020.  There are external changes and internal changes, and I don’t think that anyone who knew me prior to 2020 will be able to say that they truly know me come 2021.  The woman that was and the woman who will be is in the midst of transition right now, and even I don’t know what the outcome will be.

So, while this is a confusing year, I know that this part of the trip is necessary in my growth.  It is necessary for me to go through so I can move ahead to the next part of my life.  I won’t be able to move forward unless I go through this . . .whatever the fuck this is. . .

I’m learning how to sail my ship.  And there is no better way to learn than in less than stellar conditions.

So, on that note – Happy Thursday.  Don’t be afraid of the storm.  Adjust your sails and go where it takes you.  You may be pleasantly surprised where you land.

Photo by Lara Newton on Unsplash

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