Connections

I live inside of myself.  I always have.  I have always thought that no one understood me, and that no one wanted to take the time to understand me.  Even before I came to the premature conclusion that people couldn’t be trusted, I felt this – and after encountering some of the stellar individuals that I have, all it did was reinforce the thought.  So, I lived inside my own thoughts, I lived through pain and confusion and uncertainty on my own.  I took on battles of the mind and of the heart without saying a word of my inner turmoil to a soul.  I have written of my stubbornness in conquering my world on my own.  I have written of sitting on the bathroom floor with the water running so that no one would hear me crying.  I have written of lying awake nights wondering how to overcome my own feelings so I could move onto the next day.  And I didn’t tell anyone – at least not during those times.  No one knew about 3am body shaking sobs followed by 6am preparations for my little family to go to daycare and school and work.  I hid the dark circles and I hid my fears and plowed ahead. . . without saying a word to anyone.

I can’t say that how I handled my emotions was necessarily wrong.  I totally believe that there are some things you need to work through on your own, and perhaps these battles that I’ve fought had to be fought alone.  That being said though, that means that I know what it is to fight alone.  I know what it is to shoulder everything and feel weak from the burdens.  No doubt it made me stronger and made me into the woman I am today.  But I know that alone feeling.  I know that feeling that if I had disappeared from the earth, would anyone really notice??  I know that feeling that even if you asked someone to listen to you, they would undoubtedly pretend to but really wouldn’t. 

I’ve come through some of the hardest times of my life with only myself to rely on – at least mentally, and emotionally.  I had plenty of people to help me figure out physical problems, but the emotional and mental shit. . . I didn’t dare let anyone know how weak I really felt sometimes.

I sat here this evening wondering how to write this quote post.  I got a notification from EJ that someone had commented on the current piece, and the comment gave me a little more to go on.  This individual thanked me for writing the piece and asked me if I could write more like it because it had helped her so much.

It occurred to me that she must be feeling what I have felt – alone with her burdens of thoughts and emotions. 

“All of my creation is an effort to weave a web of connection with the world; I am always weaving it because it was broken.” – Anaïs Nin

This is why I do what I do, folks.  Because I have felt so, so very alone.  I didn’t feel a connection with anyone or anything but my own little world.  I didn’t think that anyone thought quite like me, and I didn’t think that anyone wanted to try to understand me.  So I lived inside myself.  So I didn’t make any real connections with anyone.  So I put up walls to keep people out.  The only thing that has helped me over come some of what I’ve endured is my writing.  And in sharing these things, I hope to help others shoulder their burdens.  Even if they must carry them alone, at least they know that someone else has carried similar burdens and come out just fine.

I write the things that I do because I want people to know that other people feel these things too.  People have these thoughts too.  I am reaching out with my words to help people feel better and to help them through these times when they feel alone and like they have no one to turn to.  I can’t say that if I could go back, I would do anything different.  There are still battles that I choose to fight alone.  I have found people that love me and care about me, that I trust, and that I could turn to over the last few years.  But sometimes battles are fought better alone.  And sometimes a stranger’s words are what you need to drive a point home or get you through a rough day. . . or night.

Happy Wednesday.  Don’t be afraid to fight your battles alone, but don’t be afraid to reach out to someone for help if you need it.  Sometimes the strongest warriors need reinforcement.