Flawed

Back deck writing this evening, the weather is finally conducive to being outside more regularly, and I couldn’t be happier. Just a little while ago I saw a hummingbird flitting around my extremely tall sunflowers. If you have been following for awhile, you know that last year they reached heights of fifteen feet or so, and it’s looking like this year is going to be about the same.

So I’m sitting here, enjoying a second angry orchard for the evening, after a chat with Sophia. Halestorm is on the speaker, dinner has been prepared and eaten. It’s been a Monday all day, and I’m glad to be here on my back deck with my music and my words.

611am had me awake and not pleased. I rolled out of bed at six-thirty and did the whole morning routine – water, coffee, shower, and sit down to write an article. Eight a.m. found me changing into office attire and making myself presentable for work. Just before nine I made my way into the office to deal with whatever clusterfucks had transpired over the weekend, and finalize the fixing of other clusterfucks already in the works from Friday.

I bounced between tasks today, scheduling an appointment for 3pm for Matthew to get his brackets fixed because two were already loose. I managed my property and managed my household and by five felt like I had gotten next to nothing accomplished. In reality I actually did get a lot done, it just didn’t feel like it because I was constantly bouncing from one clusterfuck to another. I stopped at the gas station for a six pack and got Scarlett washed and headed home, as always glad to be home with my hooligans.

Today’s quote is one that a lot of people are familiar with. I’ve seen it many times posted to Facebook and Pinterest, and it’s one that I’ve always identified with.

“I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” – Augusten Burroughs

I could sit here and list for you the multitude of flaws that I possess – between the physical and mental and emotional, I have quite the list. I am overly critical, of myself and of others. I expect way too much at times. I am a procrastinating perfectionist. I am impatient as fuck. I overthink to the point of driving myself crazy. I struggle with voicing my feelings, and even allowing myself to feel things. I express the need to let go of the past, yet struggle to actually do so. I try to disguise any hurt that I feel with being overly cheerful and looking through these rose colored glasses of mine.

But at the end of the day, I am striving for happiness – for myself, and those that are around me. I don’t want to drag anyone down with my own bullshit that I am struggling with, so therefore I hide it all. I throw on my rose colored glasses and navigate the world. I expect the most that I can put out and I expect the same of others. Unfortunately I have found that not everyone possesses the same mindset that I have, and it causes me to wonder too much about things that are no business of mine.

I started this post around 730pm, and was struggling with it. I stepped away to weed my front yard flower beds, and listen to music while I thought on it some. Now it’s after nine, and my back deck is shrouded in darkness – Just my string lights and a little tiki fire going next to me to keep the bugs at bay. I recently fixed one of the lights that hasn’t worked since they were installed, my plants are thriving despite my recent neglect, and all is right in my little world.

Anyway, what it comes down to is this – we all have shit about ourselves that is less than stellar. We have things that annoy other people, things about ourselves that even we’re annoyed with. I hate the fact that I wait until the last minute to do something and then expect it to be a stress free endeavor. I hate the fact that I look at every nuance as a sign with some hidden meaning.

But at the end of the day, I mean well. My intentions are to be happy, and to make others happy. I write to heal my mind and spirit, and hope that in doing this that I’m helping other people realize that it is okay to be flawed. That it’s okay to have these thoughts and feelings. That you don’t have to hide behind the facade that everything is roses and sunshine. I smile through the fucked up perils of life to give some hope to others, and to help myself through whatever thing is standing in the way of my happiness.

So, maybe I’m a little fucked up. We all are, in our own way. We all have parts of ourselves that aren’t perfect. And in embracing the imperfect parts of ourselves, we can improve on them. And maybe we can understand others a little better, knowing and acknowledging our own flaws. It’s how you handle these things that really speaks volumes about who you are as a person. If at the end of the day you can lay in bed and say, “I did my best to better myself, and make this world a better place,” that’s all that really matters.

There is nothing wrong with acknowledging your personal flaws. We are all human, after all. And these are the things that make us human. All we can do is try and better ourselves, and do the best we can with this life that we have.

Happy Monday. Embrace who you are, flaws and all.