Back deck writing this evening. Chaser just left to spend a couple days at his dads, dinner has been made and cleaned up. I have Shaman’s Harvest playing from my bluetooth speaker, an angry orchard, and the sun setting over my house.
I feel better than I have in days.
I’m getting shit resolved, slowly but surely – as I always do. Sometimes things don’t fix themselves overnight, and while I struggle with that fact, it is indeed a very real fact. As always I am surviving the clusterfucks. It does get heavy sometimes, that’s also a fact. And it is totally understandable and acceptable. The moment I give up is the moment it becomes unacceptable.
I went from Fire from the Gods to Blackstone Cherry and Shaman’s Harvest to help adjust my mood. I dug down and recognized what I said above – slow and steady wins the race. I may not win immediately. But I always win.
I’ve been paying more attention to astrology and cosmic shit lately. It’s all telling me that this year is supposed to bring about a significant change in who I am as a person. I would tend to agree. It’s been a clusterfucky mess with really high peaks of happiness and really fucking low valleys of pain and uncertainty. You know how the freezing and thawing of water expands and contracts things? That’s how I’m seeing this year. It’s reshaping me. I thought I had already gone through the biggest changes I could go through, but it seems that isn’t so. This year is teaching me about patience and accepting things on a level I never have before.
When I put on Shaman’s Harvest this morning (after locking my keys in the house. . . ugh) the first song that came on was The End of Me. It’s a rather sad song, but it is probably one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. They played it when I saw them in concert, and I bawled like a baby as I stood at the stage, singing along. I can identify with it on a certain level. Where do they go, those that love me well? I guess they jumped off this train, when we got to the gates of hell. I’ve sat here wondering about how people seem to just walk into and out of my life so frequently. They walk in, fuck shit up, and walk back out. It happens a lot in my life, and until now I haven’t been able to grasp the reason behind it. I realize that sometimes people come into your life to be a lesson, not everyone is meant to stay and hang out through the duration. They play their part and move on. Like my pen pal of many years, sometimes they pop in and out as needed, and sometimes they are there briefly and leave permanently.
I’ve experienced a lot of hurt over this. I have a hard time letting go of people that matter to me.
And, this brings us to our quote.
“True peace is not merely the absence of tension: it is the presence of justice.” – M.L. King, Jr.
Now, obviously MLK is talking about more political things, and y’all know I steer clear of political shit.
I pulled the quote book out this morning after writing this morning’s brief update, and read the quote. I stared at it, wondering how I was going to use the quote.
. . . What does peace mean to me? What is bringing tension into my life? And why???
I wrote several posts this weekend and deleted them, which centered around my thoughts on this, ironically enough.
I don’t like not being able to say what’s on my mind, and especially to those that have done me wrong. I encountered some situations this weekend that had me itching to put motherfuckers in their place, and I couldn’t for this reason and that reason. It was a lot of what felt heavy to me, I think. I have a hard time feeling peaceful when I can’t express myself, when I can’t get the justice of saying what I think about someone and their actions. I was raised to be kind, work hard, and laugh through the hard times. And when I encounter lazy, thoughtless, negative people, it weighs on me. When people who I cared about walk out of my life, or do me and mine wrong, I itch to tell them what I think of their actions. . . and I don’t have the opportunity, more often than not.
I think I’ve worked my way through and past these people’s most recent transgressions though.
Well, with exception to my plagaristic stalker.
“Who the fuck is the little bitch who stole your blog?” Sophia asked me tonight. I explained the situation to her a little more thoroughly. I love that she was on the defense for me.
I’m still angry about this, but I still can’t do anything about it. This too shall pass.
The thing of it is, sometimes you gotta let Karma do your dirty work.
Sometimes you have to accept that people are not kind, they are lazy, and they are negative. You just have to know that you have the power to counteract the shitty person that they are by continuing to be a good person.
What Mr. King was talking about applies more so to current events in our world. We all know that there is a lot of injustice. Another quote says that to stay silent is to allow the injustice to continue, and in the bigger scheme of things, I do agree. Things need to change in our world. But on the smaller, every day level? Sometimes it is better to keep your damn mouth shut. You can’t fight every battle. You have to decide which ones are worth your time and energy to fight. Which ones you should fight now, and which ones you should save for a different day.
Today I’m choosing peace by letting shit go, and letting shit work itself out. Letting Karma do the work that I don’t have the time or energy to address.
I’m too busy working on my damn self to worry about anyone else’s bullshit. Let them be lazy and negative and mean. I’m over here being the exact opposite, and getting shit done.