August 2018 Thoughts

I came across this completely finished post while looking through my drafts. I have no idea why it never got published – I fixed some typos, added a photo, and it was done. I like where my head was at two years ago, and I like that I’ve improved on where I was.

I’m able to enjoy my back deck a night again, no sign of Templeton since the beginning of summer. I found a way to submit online complaints to the city about issues, so maybe that’s what did it. Or maybe it’s the plethora of herbs I have growing around my deck that is keeping him and his kin away. Or maybe Grandma’s weekly poison drops over the back fence. . . Regardless, I am sitting in the dark writing with only my phone and stars for light and I’m quite happy. There is a bunny family that hides in the vines of my cucumber, melon and pumpkin plants and my sunflowers have bloomed. . . Other than the fact that we’ve had a rather dry summer which has killed my grass and made the weeds flourish, I’m very happy with my yard.

We’ve had an eventful summer, and as August is the Sunday of the season and back to school shopping is about to commence, I’m feeling a little sad that it’s coming to an end. I’ve worked a lot, filling up the property I was managing to near full before I was whisked away to the new one to work my magic there. I’m crossing my fingers that my reputation for kicking ass doesn’t set false expectations and sabotage me. It’s a merry little clusterfuck that has me tired to distraction, but I’m enjoying the challenge immensely. I’ve never been in on setting up a new property to this magnitude and it’s a learning process. I’m taking what I know and applying it to what I’m learning and I believe there to be progress in just the few weeks I’ve been there.

There have been parties and a couple hangovers, a concert and days and evenings at the campground. Sunburns and shenanigans, hard work and lazy days in a book. I’ve been social and withdrawn, I’ve taken time to continue to learn who I am through uncertainties and uncomfortable situations. I’ve met new people and reaquanited myself with those I neglected in the colder months. I’ve come across old friends and been reminded of old situations that I realized I didn’t want to replay in my life. I can see how I’ve grown to care less what people think, be less reliant on others opinions of me and just do what makes me happy. You definitely do attract what you put out into the world. Multiple times this week people have complimented my happy ‘vibe’ and that’s a better compliment than telling me I’m physically attractive. I’d prefer to be described as happy than as pretty.

And I’m happy because I’m doing what makes me happy. If I don’t feel up to doing something, I don’t. If I’m feeling social, I embrace it, if I’m not, I don’t answer my phone or politely decline invitations. I’m spending time with my favorite people, my children. Matt and I spent a day at the Henry Ford museum and Greenfield Village in Michigan and it is probably my favorite memory of the season.

I’ve sat on my deck under my umbrella and watched Chase joyfully play in the sandbox I constructed for him, watched him build sandcastles and make mud and be a child. It gives me so much joy to give my children memories and let them be kids.

Chase lost his first tooth and Matt turned 13 and has his first girlfriend. They’re growing so fast and I’m so glad I get to watch their growth in person.

We had family sick and while I’m not at liberty to discuss that situation any further in a social platform, it was a tiring time full of worry and uncertainty that reminded me that even those that seem unshakable can be brought down very suddenly and with no warning what so ever. I spent a lot of time at the hospital while trying to balance the summer rental boom and my children and household. I slept very little and was too tired to do yoga on top of not eating right. . . and I found myself plagued with my old back problems.

I spent the last month rereading Gone with the Wind. I have always identified with Scarlett O’Hara on a certain level, and every time I read it I feel it more keenly. There are certain things about her that I don’t identify with, but the core idea of her character is to hell with what people think, you do what you have to do to survive. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. Survive. But now I can sit back and enjoy my hard work a bit. I can sit under my umbrella with my feet up and watch my kids be kids, not have to worry about how I’m going to feed and cloth them, if my car is going to die, how I’m going to pay the bills. . . And I can even take a little money and attend a concert or buy myself something without feeling guilty about it. I remember cashing in change so I had gas for the week and now it’s just automatic to stop and get gas when I’m at a half a tank. And trust me when I say, I will never take that luxury for granted.

They say the best art comes from heartache and adverse situations. . . So maybe my mind has been quieter because I’m at such a happy point in my life. I have moments of frustration, moments of sadness, moments when I’m confused about life as a whole. But overall I am content in my gardens and with my music and books, watching my children grow into good humans and relishing in a time of less worry and heartache. I know life is full of twists and turns and its bound to go downhill again at some point. So I am enjoying this little plateau of happiness while it lasts. Embrace today. Tomorrow isn’t promised.

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