Me, a mother

My I’m grateful today is that I was chosen to be a mother.

I say “chosen” because there are so many women who wish to be a mother and can’t be for various reasons. And I’m grateful for this gift. 

At 20 years old, I was scared. As I’ve explained, I had nothing to offer the child I was bringing into the world.

And at 26, I felt the same. When I had Chase I once again found myself jobless. I at least had a car, but it was beat up and on its last legs, and his dad and I went our seperate ways shortly after Chase was born.  I found myself living with Matt’s grandma. Chase was five months old before I got my shit together again. And I struggled to make ends meet for years after. We always had a roof, but my vehicles were constantly broken down, and there was a short period of time where I thought I was going to lose the roof over our heads. 

I didn’t, thanks to some very wonderful people. And I feel like we’re finally at a good spot in life.

My car still breaks down occasionally. And we live with Matt’s grandma – but its a choice now, not necessity. It isn’t life altering when something goes wrong financially. It’s a minor bump. “Oh, we can’t eat out this week” as opposed to “shit, how am I going to pay the bills?”

It’s been an uphill battle trying to be the best mom I can be, on all fronts. I don’t always make the wisest choices, and sometimes I lack patience. Sometimes my emotions about life’s setbacks get the best of me.

But good god, I love my boys. 

Through it all – the loss of my parents, the four vehicles, the six jobs, the adding Aaron’s life to my responsibilities, so on and so forth – they have been there, and provided me with the hugs and the laughter and just unconditional love that keeps me going. 

This morning, I did not feel blessed as Chase cried because I wouldn’t let him take Halloween candy to school for his snack, which is supposed to be healthy. I did not feel blessed as I stood wrapped in a towel with Chase banging at the bathroom door because he was up an hour early and had to pee. And Matt was running late, throwing shit in his lunchbox – actually handfuls of candy because he forgot to pack his lunch – and Chase just had to do a craft project at 815am and I’ve been late for work every day this week and I hate being late . . . I was not grateful for the hectic mess that my life sometimes is, because I’m a single mom working full time and don’t have the luxury of doing things at my pace when I want. We have a schedule, times when we each need to be places. This morning as I prepared us each for our day, and it was not going smooth, I was not grateful. 

“Momma. Let’s take a picture!” Chase said, climbing out of his seat as we waited in line at the school for him to be dropped off.

And there it was. The grateful. Because despite me being ungrateful in the moment, as we were running late for the fourth morning in a row,  he still wanted a picture with his momma. He still hugged me and yelled he loved me as he jumped out of the car. And Matt made a point to tell me he loved me as he rushed out the door this morning, too.

I was still a little late for work. But it’s okay. Because even though sometimes I’m a mess, my kids know love, and they show me love. They’re happy despite it all, and healthy, and we’ve made it out of some rough times. But. . . I would not have made it without them.

I am grateful that fate made me a momma, because I can’t say that I would be as strong or as smart or as happy as I am every single day of my life, if it weren’t for my hooligans.