Appreciation

Let’s try a quote post, shall we?

I miss writing. I miss the exhilaration of stringing words together, the high of getting a thought out of my head and out into the world for others to consider and ponder on. Life has been going ten thousand miles a minute – as is the usual for me – and I haven’t been able to form a coherent thought worth putting out into the world for quite some time.

Today was another day that kicked my ass. There’s a lot going on in my world, and I come home exhausted more often than not, generally unable to do more than what is required of me – take care of the children, eat, and sleep. It sounds simple and mundane, but I really do enjoy my life for the most part. I have my complaints, as we all do – but really, life is pretty good.

Anyway, I’ve gotten into the habit of watching television in the evenings, and while it’s good for shutting down and removing myself from the stresses of the day, I know that it’s not necessarily productive. I know that once upon a time I used to pump out blog posts every evening without a second thought.  It was take care of the children, eat, write, sleep. Recently I’ve been trying to incorporate some physical fitness into my daily routine, on top of meditating and caring for the hooligans and keeping up with the housework and helping brother with odds and ends and working full time. . .

*deep breath*

It’s a lot. Sometimes doing all the things becomes a matter of juggling all the things. Because there’s also been yardwork and concerts and game nights with friends and movie nights with the hooligans. There’s also been some good book reading and impromptu road trips. There’s been time to analyze who I am as a person and rest days where I do nothing but exist.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t have to be everything all at once, and that it’s okay to let some things go to the wayside now and again to make room for other stuff I want and need to do. I still take on more than I should and think I’m super human.  But that’s just my nature.

Anyway.

So today was a clusterfuck, and I felt like I did nothing but spin my wheels all day long at work. Huge argument with my amazing teenager who is pushing boundaries and trying to figure himself out. My to-do list is ten miles long, and I have some upcoming changes potentially on the horizon. Overwhelmed is an understatement, and my head was throbbing and the hot shower and short meditation I did didn’t help, nor the Motrin and food and caffeine I fed myself. I was sitting on my bed, ready to turn on the TV and just drown it all out when I felt the itch to put some words down.

I recently submitted a couple of pieces to be published in a book and received two denial emails last week. I felt like maybe that was the writing door closing for me. Like maybe this writing thing isn’t necessarily my destiny. Another door opened the next day, not on the writing path, and it really made me question a lot.

But I can’t deny this itch.  So what if those pieces weren’t what they were looking for.  I don’t doubt my words, or their worth to the world. Another time, another place.

But it was still a blow to my confidence, and I still wonder a little bit – am I really talented enough to be putting my words out there, or am I just doing this to do it?

Once again, I digress.

I was sitting there with the tv remote in my hand, and I felt the itch to write, and I wondered briefly how I used to be able to pump out posts as often as I did, and then I remembered the quote posts and boom, here we are:

“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness.”

Alexandre Dumas

Alexandre gets it.

I’ve written of this before. I’ve gone through some hard shit, and I’ve had some hard times. I have known utter and complete heartbreak, the kind that sends you to your knees. I know what it is to live in this world without my parents, I know what it is to not be sure that the roof over your head will be there the next day. While I’m not sure I’ve actually ever truly hit rock bottom, I have most definitely been at the brink, teetering and trying to keep my footing so as not to fall.  

I have also conquered some shit that I never thought that I would, though. I have known love and I have known utter and complete joy – the kind where your heart seems to want to come right out of your chest, it is so full. I am watching my children grow into amazing humans, and I am doing pretty well for me and mine in this life. I have made my mind up to do a lot of things, and accomplished a lot of those things, too. It may be tiresome at times – but there are an awful lot of wonderful things about this life I’ve been given.

So, every little triumph is worthy of celebration.

But every little setback is cause to mourn, too.

Because you see, I recognize both. I recognize that hard times are part of the territory – It’s part of this whole being human bit. Good times happen quite often, too. I was beside myself with anger after Matt and my argument today. I was tired and annoyed at not accomplishing much with work, at least nothing tangible, even thought I busted my ass all day long. But I received recognition for how hard I’m working, I received a little more information about the direction my life will be taking, and I got to come home to a warm house and cook a meal for my family and have good conversation with people I care about.

It’s not all rainbows and sunshine. You’re not always going to have a stellar day. But you aren’t always going to have an awful day, either.

It’s all about perspective.

Happy Tuesday. Embrace this life – the good, and the bad.  Without one, you truly cannot appreciate the other.

Photo by Ben Shanks on Unsplash