I got to get out and do things and see people this weekend!
It honestly did my soul a lot of good – due to the rising number of COVID cases after Christmas and shitty mid-west winter weather, I’ve basically only been going to work and the store for the last couple of months. So Saturday I went to see brother and took him shopping. I went and hung out with Andy and played games and talked copious amounts of shit while I did, catching up and laughing with people I haven’t seen in months. I listened to my music too loud in the car (is there a such thing as too loud music?) and rolled the windows down, wore my new sunglasses that I bought for just such an occasion and got some fresh air and sunshine. While I was with brother my depth perception failed me a little and I hit a curb and cracked the plastic bumper underneath Scarlett, and even though it put a kink in my schedule I smiled a little while brother fixed it for me, all the while reassuring me that the same curb caught him off guard the first time he went to that store, too. I couldn’t be mad – I was too grateful for the day and for how handy and helpful brother was. We had visited the local craft store where brother picked up some model supplies, and then the record/coffee shop where brother ordered a new CD and I ordered Dad’s favorite coffee. I felt a little bit of peace enter me, knowing that we were smack dab in between the anniversary of dad’s passing and Mom’s birthday, and I was spending the day enjoying time with the only person who really understood the importance of this time of year. I took time to appreciate the stars in a sky not obscured by streetlights and found Orion’s belt, watched the moon as I drove through the night and sang as I sailed over the winding roads towards home.
Sunday was spent with the windows open in the house and the smell of cleaning supplies in the air as I mopped and dusted and vacuumed and did laundry. I made dinner and made plans for the upcoming week and month and finished my evening relaxing with the television, completely content with how the weekend had transpired.
I had time to think about the things that have happened over the past few months and realized that I have done a lot of growing and healing – growing and healing that I never knew would happen. I assumed that the pain I have felt for years was just a part of who I was. That the trauma I have endured would forever hang over me like a cloud, skewing decisions and holding me hostage. I even had a fleeting thought about those that have walked away from me or that I have chosen to walk away from and realized that I let their actions and their opinions have more of an effect on me than I should have. I let them make me feel like I was less because of their rejection or like there was something wrong with me because of how they treated me. I let them take some of my power, and I knew that the time had come for me to heal from this, too – and to take my power back. It was such a relief to know that the old adage was true – this too, shall pass. I thought that because I’m closer to 40 than 30 that this was just who I was now, and there was no going back. Turns out, there isn’t – but there is a whole lot of room to move forward.
All of this from two days of 65 degrees and sunshine. It’s amazing what good weather brings out, and how it can completely alter your frame of mind.
Unfortunately I woke to temperatures in the high 30s and rain and gloom – but I felt some of the sunshine from the weekend lingering, and let it carry me through the day.
Happy Monday. Always carry a little sunshine with you.