I can’t say I’m afraid of change.
Change is a way of life for me. I swear there are moments where I merely blink and my life is completely different from the moment before.
I’ve become highly adaptable. I shrug my shoulders and think, “Oh, this is what we’re doing now? Okay then.” And get on with it. I get on with the navigating.
This year has for sure challenged my opinions on my adaptability to change though. I feel like every breath I take brings change with it. It’s not moment to moment now. . . It’s by the second.
I’m still navigating though. I’m tired as fuck, but I’m getting me and mine through the tumult. And some of the change has even required me to initiate more change – to close doors to things and people that no longer serve where I’m going in life, to open doors on thoughts and feelings and ideas that had never occurred to me before or that I had buried. . .
It’s been an interesting year.
It’s been an interesting year of growth and change and learning. It’s introduced me to parts of myself that I knew existed, but I didn’t know very much about.
I hear so many people wishing 2020 away and what a shitty year it has been. . . Hell, I’m one of them at times. The shit show hasn’t seemed to stop long enough for anyone to catch their breath.
But I’m also not mad at it. How can I be mad when I have learned so much and gained headway in areas that would otherwise have remained closed off to me?
I guess maybe this is why I have fallen off writing as much as I was previously. I wrote my ass off this summer and made so much progress towards my dream, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little pained at the idea that I can’t seem to write at this moment in time. I do miss it. But I’m tired, y’all. This year has taken it out of me.
So I’m spending the winter months hibernating harder than is normal for me. I meditate and listen to quiet music and watch television when I’m not attending to my job or my family. I just crave peace and quiet right now. I can’t even seem to pick up a book to read my time away as I normally do – it requires too much thought.
I’m just doing what feels right for me, and right now that seems to be as little as possible. As long as I stay employed and my little family is taken care of, I’m good with anyone and anything else taking a back burner.
If this year has taught me anything, taking care of oneself is of the utmost importance. I’ve found that what they say is true – you can’t take care of and love anyone else until you take care of and love yourself. Until you can look in the mirror and accept yourself for who you are and love the person you have become and be open to the person you will be in the future, there is just no way that you can provide acceptance and love and openness to anyone else.
Once upon a time I didn’t look at myself favorably. Once upon a time I hid the broken parts. Once upon a time I strived for perfection. I called myself too much for some and not enough for others, but what I didn’t look at is what I was to myself. What I didn’t look at was all of the things that are beautiful and wonderful and amazing about me. I didn’t look at how all of the trials in life have made me into this unique person who isn’t afraid of a little change, and uses it to her advantage.
I can’t stress enough what a little bit of alone time can do for you. What a little soul searching can teach you. They say in order for a wound to heal, you must leave it alone. I beg to differ. Because sometimes you gotta squeeze the infection out first. Sometimes you have to hurt in order to heal. Sometimes you have to acknowledge old wounds to prevent new ones, and prevent going down paths that mimic ones you already have been down. You can’t learn from something if you don’t acknowledge it.
This is the first time I feel I’ve written anything worthwhile in quite some time, and I hope that you find it of value. I hope that it opens some doors for you – or allows you to close them if that’s what you need. I hope it lets you know that it’s okay to not be what people expect you to be. . . That as long as you are living up to your standards, that’s all that matters. Lastly, I hope it opens you up to change. Because without change we become stagnant and complacent.
Take care of you. The rest will fall into place.