Out of the Gloom

I’ve put some words down over the last couple of weeks, but nothing that I was willing to share publicly. I know I’m fairly open about my struggles and the things I’ve been through, but there are some things. . .

Being an overthinker is a helluva hard thing. And being an overthinker with the ability to string words together into entertaining sentences and phrases and paragraphs, stories even, really is a hard thing.  Because here I am with all of these thoughts, all of these words, and it’s been like they’ve been tangled in my head – like that necklace that you’d rather throw away than sit down and untangle? Yeah.  That’s where I’m at.

I’ve been writing, but mainly in journals.  I picked up a writing prompt journal and a gratitude journal, and I have my Zen as Fuck journal.  I’ve been utilizing them to keep the words flowing, and to keep them from becoming too overwhelming. I have so much to say, and no outlet for most of it.  When I try it comes out a complete disaster that would take more time to edit than what it’s worth.

I don’t know if it’s the month starting and ending with full moons, or the fact that it’s 2020 – the year of the roller coaster – or the combination of the two, but I have been an absolute clusterfuck here recently.  My sleep schedule is a mess, I can’t seem to stay organized or on task or complete a project or task without veering off onto something else, I’m hypersensitive and just this side of crazy . . . clusterfuck.  With a capital ‘C’.

So, I looked up chakra meditation and yoga and spent some time on that – for the record, I think all seven of my chakras are blocked, or have completely left my body at this point.  I’ve spent a lot of time in bed watching TV and not talking to people. I’ve written in my journals and been very minimally present on social media.  I am quite literally just biding my time until either this month, or this entire year, is over.  It hasn’t been an altogether bad year.  Just really fucking overwhelming. I know it’s not just me.  I’m hearing it from everywhere, from everyone. 

I was so glad to get home today. When I walked in, I stood in the living room doorway and sighed heavily and told Grandma, “I want to move to a cabin in the woods and never talk to people again. People made me tired today.” She agreed wholeheartedly.

Instead of moving to a cabin in the woods and cutting myself off from people, I made Matthew and I dinner, reading through a magazine while it cooked.  I purposely hid my phone in my bedroom so I could be away from it’s constant need for attention.  I then secluded myself in my bedroom to watch a new episode of the home renovation series I recently found, still ignoring my phone.

It has been almost two weeks since I posted the quote post photo to Facebook. It’s another quote about friendship.  I’ve written a lot about it through this series, and I have been pondering it through these two weeks.

“Rejoicing in our joy, not suffering over our suffering, makes someone a friend.”

Nietzsche

My friends. . . ah, my friends are a rare breed. And if any quote fits them, it is this one.

It’s rare for me to be down.  I’m sometimes angry or in a bad mood, but it is a rare thing for me to feel discouragement and sadness.  Even when I’m angry and in a bad mood I have the ability to throw in funny little sarcastic comments that lighten the mood a little.  I try to not take life too seriously.  A bad mood passes, no different than a rainy day.

In the event that I am truly sad, where I do feel discouragement, my friends don’t sit there with me.

That sounds odd, doesn’t it?  Friends are supposed to be there for you through everything.  They are supposed to sit with you through your dark times.

Please don’t misunderstand.  My friends are there for me through my dark times.  But they don’t sit there with me. They don’t let me beat myself up and walk around with the rain cloud over my head. They don’t tell me I can’t be sad. But they find ways to distract me from it, to take my mind off of whatever it is that’s bothering me.

And let me tell you, when I have something to celebrate, they are damn near as excited as me.  I recently got notified of a small piece being published in a magazine – like a for real, hold in your hands magazine – and from their excitement you’d think I’d won the lottery and was going to buy them new cars. 

I love these things about them.

They rejoice my joy, but don’t let me hang out in the rain puddles.

That is what a true friend does.

Through whatever the hell this is that I’m going through emotionally and mentally, they have been there.  Telling me stories about their days and their own adventures, while still respecting that I am not 100% myself. They listen if I want to talk and respect my privacy when I don’t.

If 2020 is teaching me anything, its that everything can change in the blink of an eye.  I knew it before, but I feel it now. That may be what’s weighing on me – I am in such a completely different place than I was this time last year, and it’s been a complete whirlwind. I’m not mad at it, I’m grateful for the growth I’ve experienced.  I’m grateful for being pushed out of my comfort zones so I can expand my horizons.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – growth is hard shit, and sometimes it hurts like a motherfucker.  It’s exhausting and tiresome.

But I’m cool with it.

So, I’m diving inward and I’m counting my blessings. I’m doing whatever soothes my soul. Whatever calms my nerves and settles my thoughts.   I can’t push myself any further than I already have at this point.  If that means that I don’t write for a day or a week, I don’t beat myself up. And if I don’t post consistently to social media, I know it’ll be okay. If I sleep for twelve hours straight and ignore my alarm, I shrug my shoulders and move on with my day. If all I do is turn on my TV all day, I let that be enough. If I feel the need to scream and yell or cry to a friend, that’s what I do. I have to worry about me. I have a million people in my corner, but at the end of the day I’m the only one that has to live inside my head.

Breathe. Count your blessings. Thank your friends for putting up with you on your less than stellar days and lifting you out of the gloom. Take care of yourself. And keep doing what is best for you, right now.  Not tomorrow or yesterday – Right. The fuck. Now. Yesterday is gone, and we don’t know what fresh hell tomorrow will bring. So embrace the moment, embrace yourself, and keep going. No matter how little you do or how much you do with the moment, allow it to be enough. Allow yourself to be enough.

Photo by Martin Adams on Unsplash