Slowing Down


So, it’s almost 4pm. I woke up feeling kinda shitty again. Not super shitty. Just like. . . blah. My stomach was kinda funny when I woke up, and I felt extremely drained.

I made sure to kind of take it easy yesterday, because I did feel decent, but I knew I had been pretty sick and didn’t want to go backwards. So, I did edit my piece for Elephant Journal and post it, and I wrote the last installment of Illness During a Pandemic. I did a little laundry, warmed soup up that I had in the freezer. I spent like five minutes in the garden with Chase, picking tomatoes and peppers – my banana peppers literally just came in with in the few days I’ve been sick, and holy shit, are there a ton . . .! Grandma is going through her closets again and had me look through some of what she’s getting rid of. I chatted with friends, mostly via text. I did a meditation session on grief, which I found to be super beneficial. I read to Chase. It was a relaxing day, with just enough accomplished to make me feel like I was getting shit done.

Yesterday was extremely laid back in terms of my normal day to day life, so why I woke up feeling the way I do today is absolutely beyond me. I woke up at 830am and the dog needed let out, so I attended to that and tried to lay back down for half an hour. . . and just laid there realizing I wasn’t okay yet. I forced myself out of bed at 10 to take medicine and laid back down and found entertainment on my phone while I tried to drink some tea, hoping the caffeine would give me the boost I needed. It wasn’t until noon when Grandma came in with more items to go through that I finally decided to get up and shower and try to feel human.

Except that lasted maybe an hour, hour and a half. And then I was under the blankets again, watching the Murder Mystery and Makeup chick on Facebook.

On the plus side, I have not had a cigarette today. This is a pretty big deal. I don’t think I have gone a day without a cigarette in probably 8 years. I have fleeting moments when I want one, but I realize that it’s hotter than hell out so that cures me of wanting to go outside – my phone claims its 90 degrees outside currently, and I know my back porch this time of the day is like the devils front porch – so, no thanks.

The only thing that got me out of bed was the fact that my phone was almost dead and needed to charge, and my charger cord does not reach my bed. So, I decided to write a quick post while it charged.

Still no coffee either, by the way. I was just having a discussion with Oliver about it. I don’t know how I feel about this. Like, coffee is a part of my personality. People associate me with coffee. Am I really going to quit smoking and quit coffee in the same week? I have known for some time that big changes were coming for me this year. I knew that a shift was happening. But I didn’t realize that there may be some pretty fucking fundamental changes. Now, coffee and nicotine are habits, and I understand that. But they are habits that have become a part of me as a person. They are defining habits.

I messaged my doctor about the prospect of me going back to work prior to her estimated return to work date and have not heard back. And I’m beginning to wonder if this is the universes way of giving me a break from my life. Perhaps if I had continued down the path I was on, I would have had something much worse happen than an illness that I know I can bounce back from. I’m a little annoyed at this whole situation, for the record – I am healthy as hell generally. I am strong as fuck, no matter what way you define strong. There’s nothing I can’t beat and there’s nothing I can’t handle. If I want something done, goddamnit I go on and do it. So, what is really happening right now?

I spoke with Sophia about it yesterday. Her determination is I wore myself down and my body put the brakes on my go go go lifestyle. “You don’t stop,” she told me. “I mean, mentally you’re always running. Not necessarily away from anything, but your mind never gets a break.”

And she’s not wrong.

There’s always something to think about, some problem to think around, something that needs done, some deadline to meet. . .

And these last few days I’ve slept and while I have attended to some necessary business, it has been pleasantly peaceful.

So maybe this is just another stop on my journey. Maybe it’s a lesson in slowing the fuck down. Maybe it’s a lesson in observance. And in learning about this person that I am becoming.

I read a quote somewhere, at some point in the last few months, that I loved. It said, ‘Only dead fish go with the flow.’ I’m a take charge kind of person and make my own future, and I pride myself in this.

Maybe I just need to accept for once that I am not in the driver’s seat; I’m along for the ride. And I need to see where this is taking me.

So, happy Monday. It’s okay to go with the flow sometimes. It’s okay to take your cues from what the universe is telling you to do. And it’s definitely okay to slow the fuck down sometimes. Take the time to relax, before you aren’t given any other choice.

Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash

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