I always have too much on my plate, and feel anxious when I can’t get it all done. This is my life, and this is what drives me to go, go, go, what drives me to do allllll the things.
Yesterday was no different. I had like two days worth of things to accomplish. Everything from several writing tasks to yard work to household cleaning items.
But the kids wanted a movie night and there was dinner to prepare and Chase’s room needed deliverance from hell. . .
So at 1130 at night I was exhausted and sitting on my bedroom floor trying to do my nails, bitching because the Color Street nail things wouldn’t adhere right. Because I wanted some me time, damn it. I had spent all day cleaning and organizing, I hadn’t even had time to sit down and write anything for fucks sake. I hadn’t gotten into the garden.
And this is why I’m always tired. I stay up late trying to get all the things done, and then. . .
And then at 454am my bladder decided to wake me up, and I knew if I laid back down I wouldn’t get up in half an hour when my alarm went off.
So I got up. Sat on my bed checking notification until the fog in my head cleared some. Water, coffee, shower. Cleaned up the kitchen, made my bed. Yoga and meditation. At 645am I reviewed my new to-do list, posted a couple things to the Facebook page, and got into writing an article.
One of those things was today’s quote.
“Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet.” – Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Oh, I am ever the impatient person. When I want something, I want that something now. Not tomorrow or next week, definitely not next month or next year. Fucking now. Which probably has something to do with the never ending to-do lists. . . If I am crossing things off, I’m moving forward. I’m getting shit done. I have a hard time with sitting idle and patiently waiting for shit to happen.
Life keeps throwing me exercises in patience though. I’m starting to grasp the idea, after almost 36 years of being impatient, that sometimes there cannot be instant gratification. While I’m damn good at getting what I want, when I want it, the bigger things seem to take the time and patience that I seem to lack.
And what it comes down to at the end of the story is that I needed to jump through a few more hoops, learn a few more life lessons, before I can attain a certain goal or aspiration. I can look back after finally achieving whatever goal I had set out for and say, “yeah. . . I needed to go through that to appreciate this.” A prime example being my experience with Clarice. I wanted a new vehicle in November of 2017, but wasn’t able to get Scarlett until almost March of 2018. I had finances to get in order, and my credit score needed some help. . . I had to endure three more month’s of uncertainty with the devil’s chariot in order to finally get Scarlett and appreciate her.
I lived in apartments for the majority of my adult life. I listened to people fighting and having sex, kids running up and down the stairs, people fucking with my laundry, breaking into my car to steal my Monster energy drinks. . . And finally now in a house I can appreciate that I have a garage to keep my vehicle in, that I don’t have to walk through a common hallway to get to my home. . . I still have an obnoxious neighbor, but at least it isn’t over my head 24/7.
There’s so many examples I could give you. In the moment, when I decided I wanted out of my apartment and into a house, and when I wanted out from under Clarice and into something safe to drive my little family around in, the hours seemed days and the days seemed months. I wanted my situation to improve instantaneously. I was annoyed that a car and a house didn’t just fall into my lap.
Big changes take time. That’s the reality. Sure, I’ve made some pretty big leaps in the writing field here recently, but I also recently came to the conclusion that I can’t make it my full time occupation for at minimum two years, if not longer. I can make these leaps and bounds in the direction I want to go in, but I won’t be able to devote my life to it for some time yet. At first the realization sucked. I thought for sure I’d be able to leave my full time job next year and start living my dream.
But two years is okay. It gives me the opportunity to fully explore all that the writing world has to offer – for fucks sake three months ago I didn’t know content writing even existed. I didn’t know that Elephant Journal or any of the other places where I have posted and sent work to existed. I didn’t know that a person could get paid to write based on little bits of thoughts here and there. I am okay with hanging out in this part of the writing world for awhile, learning it’s ins and outs. Then I’ll move forward and explore more. After I take the time to hone my art a little. After I spend some more time balancing all the things, haha. And who knows what life experiences await me, that can provide fuel for my art.
Happy Monday. Have a little patience. Enjoy where your are. Don’t be so anxious to get to your destination. You never know what you’ll miss if you try to rush to the finish line without taking the time to look around, enjoy the scenery, and appreciate what’s in front of you.