I argued with myself about getting up again this morning. I was successful in getting up at six though, so at least there’s progress. I showered, taking my time to actually enjoy the shower, and by 645am I was sitting down with Rosalyn and Halestorm to finish yesterday’s quote post.
I’ve never had to deal with anxiety. It’s not a feeling I’m well acquainted with, at least not consistently. I have had moments of anxiety, but it’s never a feeling that settles in and hangs out for longer than a little while. It’s something that’s become a little more prevalent in my life here as of late though. The only thing I can attribute it to is the fact that I’m more conscious of my feelings, and I’m trying not to bury my feelings behind my ‘I’m a badass’ facade.
It’s part of growing. It’s part of learning about who I am and why I’m here. The only thing I can do is try to combat it when it hits, try and find my triggers, and remove those things from my life – or my give a fuck about said things. Whichever is appropriate for the situation.
I’ve incorporated more music into my life, because I know that it’s my personal medicine. I write now more than I ever have. I talk openly about what I’m feeling to my few close friends. It’s all working rather well.
I felt some anxiousness creeping up this afternoon, and while I was doing a walk through the parking lot at work, veered off onto the nature trails that are a part of our property. It’s one of my favorite features, one that I don’t make enough use of. I truly love it back there – the smell of the field and trees that surround the mowed trails is soothing, the feeling of being absolutely alone. . .
Today I had my headphones in as I walked, and the air wasn’t as thick as the last time I was back there. The weather has been pleasant this week, and I enjoyed the feeling of the trees shading me at points, and the warmth of the sunshine at other points. Leaves kept getting stuck in my sandals, and I continually had to stop to shake them out. But otherwise I was left unbothered, to walk with my music and enjoy the clouds and trees, the sight of flowers going to seed, dodging the random ones that overgrew the trail, or a low tree branch. I walked over the couple of bridges that are back there, noting repairs that were needed.
I had another article returned for revisions this afternoon, and a submission denied. Two hits in one day was hard on me. It doesn’t take away from my knowledge that I’m good at what I do – the revision will be a simple one to make, the submission may be a little to controversial with the current turmoil over the subject. . . I recognize that neither of these items is a reflection on if I’m good or if I’m horrible at writing. It just shocked me a little.
Maybe I needed brought down a notch or two. Who knows.
As the day wore on, the little walk in the woods wasn’t enough to keep me from feeling worn out mentally, and I felt anxiety creeping in. I read a few articles on mindfulness, and manifestation. I scrolled Pinterest for things that would boost my mood, but didn’t find anything but negativity – talk about manifestation.
I checked a few things off of my to-do list, and called it day. I came home to cook for my hooligans, but still felt down and anxious. As I sat on the back deck after dinner, I remembered coming across a couple things multiple times in several articles I’ve read recently – dream journals, and meditation. As I read the term ‘dream journal’ for the third time this afternoon, I knew I should probably start keeping one. I had engaged in meditation at some point in the last year or so, and rather enjoyed it. It seemed to bring me some strength I didn’t have at the moment. I want to say it was last spring, or summer, I can’t remember exactly. But the lady that was leading the facebook live posts suddenly disappeared, and I stopped doing it.
I looked up an app on my phone, and finding one decided to give it a shot. I could spare a couple minutes in my evening to see if I could use this as a tool to calm my ever busy mind.
And as the lady told me through my headphones to let any thoughts that invaded my concentration on my breathing ‘float away like clouds’, I smiled. “float away, motherfucker.” I mumbled as thoughts of how to increase views on the website crept in. I envisioned a picture of my daily WordPress stats floating away like a balloon in a little cartoon cloud, and laughed a little at myself. I’m so zen, with my cartoon clouds and swear words, let me tell you.
But really, it seemed to work. Instead of thinking of all the things, I was able to think of writing this post. I had intended on putting laundry away and making my bed before I sat down with my words and to-do list for the evening, but instead I decided to do this.
I took a small break to go outside to smoke a cigarette – I picked up my Chantix today and will be starting it Sunday, but for now I’m allowing myself to give into the cravings. As I scrolled Facebook I came across yet another advertisement to listen to the new song by Lzzy Hale and Amy Lee, ‘Break In’. I’ve been avoiding it like the plague, because I knew even before listening to it that it would likely be an emotional song.
I gave in and listened to it. As Amy Lee began her portion of the song tears welled up, and I let them.
As I’ve said, allowing myself that moment to grieve every now and again clears my head.
And so now, we are to the quote portion of this post.
“Every bond is a bond to sorrow.” – James Joyce
James, of course, is correct.
Every person that you meet and become close to has the potential to bring sorrow. They could be an enemy in disguise, they could gain your trust and walk away, they could pass away. . . You always run that risk when you become close to someone. It could end badly. It could end unexpectedly and take your breath away, regardless of the way that it ends.
I’ve mentioned how I feel like a lot of people are more here for a season, not to hang out for my life time. I’ve experienced a lot of loss – through death and people just walking away. So I really do understand this quote. I’ve felt a lot of sorrow at the loss of people I loved.
Can I just say, you shouldn’t let this keep you from trusting? That you shouldn’t let it keep you from loving?
Because while there is always the potential of loss and sorrow. . .
There’s also the potential of something wonderful and lasting. There’s always the potential that this time it will be different.
I could allow myself to become jaded from all of the loss I’ve experienced. I could close myself off from the world, lose myself in my words and music and gardens. . .
Instead I’ve decided that all of the love that I had for these people. . . didn’t disappear when they left. It’s still there, inside me. It’s still there for me to give to others. I won’t be able to love any one person the same as I have loved another, but they certainly didn’t take my love with them when they left. They left it with me, to give to someone else. If they opted to walk away, they didn’t need what I had to give. Someone else must need it more than they did. And if they passed away, it is still completely possible for me to love others in their absence. . . if that makes any sense.
Just because someone has done you wrong, or didn’t value you the way you may have valued them, does not mean for one millisecond that you should allow them to destroy you to the point of not being able to continue to love. Just because someone you loved has died, does not mean that you should bury your heart with them. Just because someone broke your trust . . . man, they broke it. Not some innocent person you haven’t met yet. It’s no one’s fault but the person who did you dirty, so why take it out on anyone else?
One person is not the same as another person. You can absoultely continue to love your life, you can absolutely move on and move forward and find someone to trust again. You don’t have to shut yourself off from the world to protect yourself from being hurt again.
I will also say this . . . I’m grateful for the hurt. Somehow, someway, I love more now than I ever have. Because I realize that every moment and every person is fleeting. You never know when the last time is. I love harder than ever before. I didn’t know the potential in sorrow until I experienced it. I didn’t know that it would form me into this person that I am – I love with every ounce of my soul, and cherish every moment and every breath.
Every bond is a bond to sorrow. But it is also a bond to growing and learning. And it could also have the potential to be a bond to real and honest and genuine. It could also be a bond to someone who will stick around, it could also be a bond that will take you on the greatest adventure of your life.
Are you really going to let that kind of potential slip by, just because you don’t want to be hurt again?
I sincerely hope not.