Holding Open the Door

I started this yesterday evening, and soon found myself too tired to finish it. . .

I’m gonna be up waaaay past my bedtime tonight.

It’s pushing 1030pm as I type this. I spent the evening at Sophia’s, experimenting with my nails and chit chatting about this and that.

It was an interesting day. A mix between good and bad – I spent the majority of it running behind.

It started with me deciding to lay in bed until six-thirty, arguing with myself over getting up. I knew that I needed to make some revisions to an article I had submitted that hadn’t been quite up to par. I just couldn’t convince myself of the importance of leaving the comfort of my bed.

And then I remembered that I had been up a little late the night before and had skipped my normal nightly shower, so I really needed to get up so I could wash my hair.

And so I didn’t find myself sitting down to the keyboard until almost seven-thirty, and then just after eight when I said fuck it, good enough and hit the submit button, my hair still wasn’t dry. . .

Somehow, I still left on time, and even had time to stop at the gas station on my way to work.

“Your total is $14.56,” the clerk told me. I inserted my card in the reader. “That’s weird.” he said, puzzlement in his tone. “I had that same total yesterday. Like, exactly. One-Four-Five-Six. Weird.” I smiled and said, “Yeah, that is odd.” Me and odd weird number sequences have become well acquainted lately – just something I’ve picked up on with some of the spiritual research I’ve been doing – but I wasn’t going to tell this kid that I didn’t know that. “Here,” he said, reaching on the counter next to him, “Have some donuts. You have a great day.” and he slipped a package of hostess donuts under the Plexiglas partition.

“Thank you! You too!” I answered. I grabbed my cigarettes and the donuts and ran out the door. And was only one minute late for work.

That minute followed me for the rest of the day it seemed though, as I battled traffic on my lunch break and couldn’t quite get ahead of my to-do list.

Finally, I am sitting here with Rosalyn and Halestorm, typing out the quote post.

“Blessed are those who give without remembering and take without forgetting.” – Elizabeth Bibesco

This one is very simply explained.

If you give without remembering, and take without forgetting, you are truly a grateful person. Perhaps you remember a time when you needed something, and someone was able to help you out. Therefore, it’s a way of ‘paying it forward’ for you to turn around and give to someone else without expectations.

I cannot tell you how many times someone helped me out of a rough spot – People watching the kids so I could work or attend to other business, people who have worked on my junk vehicles, money lent to me, shoulders to cry on. . . I have been blessed to have many people to lean on during rough times.

If you’re lucky, the people that help you out in rough times are the type described above, and not the type to say, “Well, if it weren’t for me. . .”

I’ve run into a few of those types, too.

Those are the type of people you want to stay away from.

They do kind acts, but want recognition for the things they do for others. Of course you should always thank someone for their kindness, and never take it for granted. But there’s a difference between someone receiving the gratitude that is earned, and wanting accolades and applause for being a decent human.

I had someone tell me one time, many years ago, that I had no reason to be proud of where I was at because I had help getting to that point in my life.

Sure, I wouldn’t be where I am without the people that have helped boost me up along the way. But I also wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t pushed myself to better my children’s and my life so we didn’t need as much help.

It still made me feel like I was two inches tall. It made me question my own worth, if in fact I relied too much on other people.

It drove me inward. It made me stop asking for help. It made me stubborn, and I refused help often in an effort to say, “No one will ever be able to say that I wouldn’t be where I am without them.”

Foolish.

By no means should you expect someone to help you. But there is absolutely no harm in accepting help when it’s offered, and there is absolutely no shame in admitting when your hands are too full and you can’t juggle anymore.

And anyone that wants to throw someone else’s struggle in their face . . . well, it tells you an awful lot about their own self-esteem, and their own feelings of self-worth.

It took me finding my own feelings of self-worth before I could realize these facts.

My dad was an extremely proud individual, and didn’t want to ask anyone for help. He did pass that along to me, and I’ve worked many years to find some balance. There’s a difference between being proud, and being stubborn. My dad leaned a little more towards stubborn.

There’s a difference between asking someone to hold the door for you because your hands are full, and expecting someone to carry the items you have so your hands can be free.

I have worked really hard to stop being so stubborn, and ask for help when I need it. It’s taken a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I am one person. My responsibilities are many, and I couldn’t juggle them all without someone occasionally holding the door for me.

I will never forget the people that held the door for me. I will always try to offer my own kindness in return, be it to these specific individuals or to anyone else who may need it. I wouldn’t be where I am without the kindness of others, and I know how very powerful it is.