Last nights post, Fire Within literally poured out of me. I keep encountering people that talk, talk, talk about wanting to change their circumstances, but aren’t actively doing anything about said circumstances. It irks my soul. After having worked so hard to be where I am, I can’t understand being sedentary. I can’t understand indecision. Either you want it, or you don’t. It’s really very simple in my mind.
When the words pour out of me the way last nights post did, it leaves me feeling a little giddy. It’s a special kind of high that probably only those that are creative can identify with. I felt like every nerve in my body was vibrating, and to be perfectly honest, I felt a little angry. . . like if someone looked at me wrong, I would gladly fight them. I can’t explain the anger part, but it was there. I wasn’t angry at anyone in particular, it was just a feeling.
I called Sophia and started to explain this to her, and that I was a little bothered that the post had come so easy and so quickly to me. I literally wrote and edited and posted it in under an hour. It was only seven in the evening, and I wasn’t sure how else I was going to occupy myself for the evening. She invited me out to her house to hang out, and I gladly accepted. Maybe a long drive with loud music would help the itchy feeling I had.
Traffic didn’t move fast enough for me, and the music wasn’t loud enough. I felt just as frustrated and itchy when I arrived at Sophia’s home. “I feel like I could fight someone!” I told her as I walked into her garage from the driveway.
“Well shit, don’t fight me! Take your ass home!” she laughed. “Why do you want to fight someone?” She asked me in a more serious tone, concern coming over her face. “What happened?”
“Fuck, I don’t know dude. Nothing really happened. It’s just a feeling.”
The feeling faded quickly though as we laughed and joked, and her sudden urge to go get ice cream settled my mood. We sat in her vehicle eating ice cream and laughing over dumb shit that only her and I would think funny. It was the medicine I needed to calm my soul, being with one of the only people I can be completely myself with. I didn’t have to hide behind a facade of I’m okay – I could express this anger that I had for no apparent reason without her questioning me, without her judging me.
Soon after I made my way home, Halestorm accompanying me on my journey. The station I picked also had a smattering of other artists – Shinedown, The Pretty Reckless, Redlight Kings. It felt good to be flying down the road, darkness enveloping me. My headlights cut through the night and the music cut through my soul, opening me up to explore my thoughts and feelings more thoroughly.
Matthew had text me and asked me to bring home frosty’s for him and Chaser, so I stopped at Wendy’s for them and arrived home, feeling way better than when I had left, and exhausted. I’m not a fan of roller coaster emotions, because it’s draining. But I realize that right now in this transition that I am going through that roller coaster emotions are going to happen more often than not. It is what it is. I showered and went to bed, setting my alarm for a little after six so I could get some writing done.
And woke up at 418am, and did not fall back asleep until just before my alarm was set to go off. Needless to say, I laid in bed until 8am.
I had been supposed to go meet brother and possibly see Andy for a moment in the early afternoon, but was unable to. Instead I talked with Sophia for a bit, took care of some of brother’s business, and went to the grocery store with the kids and Grandma.
Now I sit here, contemplating the quote for the day. It’s raining and SocialBurn is singing Down through my speaker. My room smells of eucalyptus mint, blanket over my lap. Laundry is going, and Chaser is building a new lego set while Matt is over at a friends house visiting. It’s a quiet, cozy rainy day. I’m looking forward to sitting down with a new Stephen King book Matthew bought for me as an early birthday present later this evening, and perhaps a movie with my little one. We haven’t had a rainy day in some time, and it’s a refreshingly lazy feeling.
Anyway, before I ramble more, the quote:
“Praise the bridge that carried you over.” – George Colman the Younger
Again, something that I talk about regularly.
I love that the quote book talks about things that are close to my heart – overcoming, being grateful, etc., etc. It seems a little repetitive at times is all.
I totally recognize that if it weren’t for the trials and tribulations that I’ve experienced, I wouldn’t be the person that I am, or have the determination that I do. After writing last nights post, I felt a little bad. For me, it’s a no brainer – you want something, you go out and get it. There is no contemplation, there is no second guessing. You want it, you make it yours. End of story.
But maybe for others that determination doesn’t exist. They feel the need to weigh pros and cons, they feel the need to think about how their decision is going to effect their life in the long run. Maybe they lack the confidence in themselves to deal with whatever the decision may bring. I don’t know. It’s hard for me to put myself in that frame of mind because I have always been so decisive. I don’t talk about shit as a rule, I just go and do it. Sometimes I find that I’ve made my decision in haste, but rarely do I regret it, despite what transpires after the decision is made. If I don’t win, I learn from my mistake. So in essence, I always win.
As for the bridge that brought me to where I stand today. . .
I am grateful for every bit of my life. Every single thing I’ve encountered, every person. Because even the bad shit has helped get me to where I am now.
I’ve encountered some really shitty situations, and I’ve encountered some really shitty people in this life. They all served their purpose. Showing me what I don’t want to be, showing me how I don’t want to be treated – and therefore how I shouldn’t treat other people myself. Showing me how I want to lead my life, the things I want to accomplish. . . this whole furthering myself because I don’t want to settle for mediocre? That likely came from lessons I’ve learned along this rather interesting life of mine.
I’m determined to be the best I can because I know that there are people everywhere settling for second best, or even worse. . . just barely making it through life by the skin of their teeth. I don’t want to look back on my life with regret. I don’t want to teach my children that mediocre is okay. I want them to know that their dreams are as reachable as they make them.
As we were driving back from Meijer this afternoon, we were talking about the junk vehicles that I have owned.
“Do you remember the Honda, Matthew? How that gallon of milk burst in the trunk and we had to ride with the windows down because it smelled so bad?” We laughed at this memory. The whole story is that this was back when I was struggling to make ends meet, and I had gone to the store to use my WIC coupons. I had gotten three or four gallons of milk, and one slipped underneath my spare tire. Thinking that I had forgotten one at the store, it got left there. It was late August. So of course it got hot, spoiled, and exploded in my trunk. By the time this occurred, it was September and cold in the mornings as I drove Matt to daycare before I went to work each day. Matt did remember, and he and I laughed as we told Grandma about it.
Talking to Grandma I then said; “Do you remember my old Buick? How I had to buy a little heater to plug into the cigarette lighter because my heat was broken?” She laughed as I related the story. “You probably don’t remember that, Matthew.”
“Why did you buy a heater though? It couldn’t have been that cold.”
“It was very cold and you were little. I needed to keep you warm until I could afford to get it fixed.” He looked at me in the rearview mirror from the backseat and nodded in understanding. “And we all remember tying the Focus door shut. . .” That was a helluva experience, Grandma helping me tie this car door shut with rope and bungee cords because I couldn’t afford the $300 repair at the time.
This is what I’m talking about folks. This is the shit that I’ve encountered on this bridge of life that made me want so much more than what I had. Now I can go to the store and buy a single gallon of milk and know that when we run out, I’ll be able to afford yet another gallon of milk. I don’t have to rely on assistance from the government to get the food that me and my children need. My car doesn’t leak or burn oil or have random broken parts that require a fuckton of money to fix. I don’t have to worry about how to keep my kids warm. And I wouldn’t appreciate Scarlett as much as I do without having encountered what I have. I wouldn’t appreciate any of the things that I have accomplished and achieved without having struggled, without having walked through hell, without having been in several storms without an umbrella.
Wherever you are in life, if you’re not happy with where you are, please know that you can cross the bridge and find happiness and contentment. It sometimes seems like a real long fucking walk, but I promise you, it is so so worth it. You will be able to look back at where you have been and know that you did the work needed to get you to where you are. And you will appreciate where you are because of where you have been.
Happy Saturday. Keep moving forward and #befuckingbrave.