Yesterday I had been debating what my weekend held in store for me. I knew it was going to be overly warm, with a possibility of rain; and I also knew Chase was going to be home. I knew I wanted to spend some time writing, both on blog posts and the fiction piece I actually for real started a couple nights ago. I had also been talking to my tattoo artist about scheduling a time to come in and get my next ones done, but they’re awful busy right now so nothing was set in stone. I also know that Sunday will include a trip to the cemetery. Otherwise I had an idea it was going to be a quiet weekend.
I tried to sleep in this morning, but as I laid there at 830am I was antsy to be up, even though I was still tired. I had kept my alcohol consumption at a rather responsible level last night, but I still felt a little drained – likely more so from the impromptu evening of music, not the alcohol.
I decided today was just gonna be a roll with it kind of day, and got up and made coffee. I called Sophia – she had already text me thanking me for the fun evening, even though it was her that got me out there. I stepped outside with my coffee and cigarettes, phone cradled between my shoulder and ear, noting that the heat was already gross. It further put the idea in my head that today was going to be spent inside. I thought I might just write the day away.
We chit chatted about the nights events, and our flowers and plants that were growing at obnoxious rates. My poor strawberry plants looked awful sad and I went over to the garage and took them down off of the lights they hung from and into the shade, watering them well to help them perk back up.
Eventually the conversation wound down, and I decided I wanted a shower and breakfast. I did just that, cooking up hashbrowns and sausage and eggs for me and the boys. I also pulled out chicken drumsticks to start to thaw so I could make my specialty drumsticks for them in the crockpot. Matt reminded me that he was supposed to go to a friends house, and that solidified the day. Just a quiet day at home with Chase.
And so, everyone fed and the chicken in the crockpot and the kitchen cleaned up, I finally sat down to write just before 1pm. I pumped out the first post, and now here’s the second.
“I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the hearts affections and the truth of the imagination.” – John Keats
Our affections are so important, and the things we imagine for ourselves, as well. John speaks the truth.
Without the things we love, our lives would be absolutely boring and pointless.
Without music and words, without my kids and my friends, without my gardens. . .
I would just work. I’m almost certain without the things I love I would revert to being a workaholic.
And what is the fun in that?
And what is the fun in just existing. . . Just living day by day and not having an idea of what we want our future to hold? I don’t know how I’m going to get to where I want to be, but I know that I have something to work for.
I want to look back on my life in twenty or thirty years and say, “It was an adventure.” I want to know that while sometimes it was hard as fuck, that I overcame and got to my destination, and have many stories to tell. I want to experience as much as possible and feel every emotion that I can – yes, even the bad ones – because it gives me something to write about, it gives me a different perspective, and an appreciation for the good things. I imagine someday not having to overcome and fight for what I want, I imagine having what I want and being at peace finally. I’m not fighting in the wars that I have had to in the past – this is a relatively peaceful point in my life in comparison to what I’ve been through. But there’s a lot of emotions right now, and that’s a whole different kind of battle.
Without the things I love, I wouldn’t be able to keep fighting. I wouldn’t have much of a reason to want the things I want, to imagine the good life that I know awaits me.
I’ve had a couple people reach out recently to check on me – I’ve been posting some rather . . . cold, pessimistic things on the Facebook page, when previously it was all love and light. I appreciate the time these people took out of their day to reach out to me. As I said, emotions are high for me right now. I’m going through this transition and it’s throwing me for a loop. I go from anger to sadness to utter and complete joy in a matter of hours. I am still your ever hopeful rose colored glasses wearing individual – I just keep finding these rather truthful photos, and I think that people need to know that everyone feels these things. People feel a range of things and can’t always be hopeful. I found a quote not too long ago, “I’m mostly peace, love and light. . . and a little go fuck yourself.” And it’s the absolute truth. People need to know that it’s okay to feel different emotions. It’s okay to want to call people out on their bullshit, call things as you see them. As I told Emma the other day. . . “If people are offended. . . well, I mean, if the shoe fits, lace that bitch up and wear it.” And I’m serious. I appreciate those that are concerned for me, but anyone else that may be taking the posts in the wrong way, that’s a them problem. Both this blog and the Facebook page are meant to not just help my mental well being, but others, as well.
I keep hearing about this astrological shift that’s going on, and I’m definitely feeling it. I’m definitely witnessing it. I’ve said before that I take astrology with a grain of salt, but I also recognize that the patterns I see line up with what the stars and planets are doing. So while I’m not a fan of feeling all that I’m feeling, I know that this too, shall pass. I keep referring to life as this mountain I’m climbing, but I think maybe there are several different mountains. So, I’ll climb this smaller mountain, get to the top so I can see my next adventure on the horizon. I’ll be able to see better from the top. And I’m rather excited for that moment.
And I’ll keep embracing my affections and the things I imagine for myself and those that I love, and keep working towards those things that I know we’re destined for.