Back to work today, and I wasn’t feeling it. I’ve always said that I could never not work. . . but after five days off, I feel like maybe I could. If I could write and garden all day, I think I would be okay with not having a ‘traditional’ job.
But, my bills still need paid, and this writing bit isn’t paying me yet. So I readied myself for my day. As I was getting ready I decided that I needed Chris Cornell’s voice today, so I switched from my normal rock station to Soundgarden’s album Telephantasm. I know a smattering of Chris Cornell’s work – from Soundgarden to Audioslave to Temple of the Dog to his solo work. . . but I can’t say I’ve ever listened to a whole album. I’m not disappointed with my decision in my album pick. It’s actually a compilation of Soundgarden’s work spanning from the beginning to the time this album was released in 2010. It definitely helped me get my head right for the day.
And that’s what I’m listening to now, sitting on my back deck. The sun has moved to a spot that is not shining directly on the spot I like to sit, there’s a cool breeze, and my Angry Orchard is delicious after a shrimp and pasta dish I fixed for me and the boys for dinner. Chase even grudgingly approved.
Even though I was off for five days, I was met with minimal clusterfucks when I got back, and those that were brought to my attention were easily fixed. I was worried for nothing. I can say that at least the property is to the point where I can leave for a short time and come back and pick up (mostly) where I left off without a fuckton of stress. So there’s that.
I looked at the quote last night and rolled my eyes. And I looked at it again this morning and rolled my eyes again. “Should I skip it? I’ve already written a quote post about this.” I thought to myself. But, I thought maybe there’s a reason the topic has come up more than once, so I went with it. I thought throughout the day on how I was gonna write a new piece on a whole topic.
“If a thing loves it is infinite.” – William Blake
So, I had to think hard on this one. How to approach a topic that I thought I had said all I could say on it?
I am fully aware that love is infinite – it doesn’t just go away just because you think it should. What a pain in the ass that is, let me tell you.
I’ve loved, in the traditional sense, a few times in my life. So I started thinking about how that love has transformed and changed over time. . .
It’s 100% possible to be absolutely in love with someone, and have their way of life or some other aspect make you fall out of love with them, and still love them or have a fondness for them that won’t go away. I’m not ‘in love’ with the boys fathers any longer, but they can depend on me to be there if a need were to arise. I was ‘in love’ with my now best friend Andy – and now he’s my best friend. I’m not ‘in love’ with him in the traditional sense anymore, but I would definitely be lost without him in my life.
We grow, we change, our ideals and lives change. And so love does, too. It is indeed infinite – it hasn’t gone away. It’s just manifested into something new.
Still there were others that I thought I was ‘in love’ with that I probably wouldn’t spit on if they were on fire. That seems harsh, and especially after saying all that I’ve said on being kind and looking past wrongdoings and excusing people for their actions. . . but really. Sometimes there are things that you just can’t work past. I can look at them and not call them out for the piece of shit that they are, but they could call me and I’d ignore their call, too. Sometimes you aren’t as ‘in love’ as you thought you were in the thick of it. Sometimes you are just in love with the idea of love. As a growing human I recognize that I’ve been there.
This whole thought process has left me wondering just what all love can manifest into. Can it change from love to fondness back into love? Can it change from love to hurt and then into a stronger love?
There are feelings that I have yet to experience yet is what I’m guessing. Because if love can change in all of these ways, what’s to say there aren’t other ways that I haven’t even thought of yet?
Some people are lucky enough to meet the love of their life and stay with them and live happily ever after.
And some of us need to learn how to love themselves before they can learn to love someone else. I’m guessing this is me. I’m guessing that once I fully let go of all that is holding me back, that I’ll get to experience my happily ever after.
Until then. . .
Until then, I’ll just go with the flow. I’ll just accept things as they are and see what happens.
Love – real and true love, not infatuation, not the idea love – is infinite. It doesn’t go anywhere. It just changes it’s form. Maybe it becomes more platonic, and maybe it grows to be more. It just depends on where you’re supposed to go with that person in life.
I wondered how I was going to write this, and expanding on my previous post No Uttermost was what I needed to do. Apparently this is a topic I need to think more about, as there are a lot of different facets to it. No Uttermost was extremely hard on me emotionally to write, and this one’s easier somehow. Maybe because I’m more accepting of what’s transpired in my life recently. Maybe because I’m learning, and allowing myself to feel as opposed to trying to block everything out. This is an important lesson for me, because I’m so used to just pushing everything down inside and dealing with it at a later date – and usually in an unhealthy way. Dealing with the emotions as they come is a brand new idea to me, and sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I have to shut down for a second, and sometimes I have to be angry, and sometimes I have to be sad, and sometimes I have to be happy. It’s all new to me to embrace my feelings. It’s kind of an unexpected adventure. I’m learning new things about myself. It’s all a part of growing into a better human, so mostly I’m cool with it.
I’ve really been feeling the song My Wave by Soundgarden. I love the feel of the song, and the message is basically been what I’ve been saying in all of these quote posts – do you. Feel your feelings, do what you need to do to get through, and don’t tell others how to live their lives, how to do exactly what you’re doing – survive.
And it’s an excellent metaphor for this post. There is no end to a wave, just as there’s no end to true love. It ebbs and flows, it changes with the weather and the tides . . . but it’s never truly gone.
Last night I worked a little bit on my Inkcarceration post. I meant to write it last year, and got a good start on it but got overwhelmed. So maybe you all will see that post in the near future. I also looked at that draft of my prologue for my book. I looked at it and closed it out. I’m just not sure about it. But maybe you’ll see that sometime soon, too. I’ll probably have a small panic attack when I post it, but that means that it’s a risk that I needed to take.
Happy Tuesday. Embrace who you are and what you feel. It’s definitely a wave you should ride.
So, This is Real Life 