No Uttermost

Another day waking up before my alarm, another day waking up to gloom and impending rain. I laid there in the gloomy morning light, not wanting to face Monday.

I used to force myself to not look at my phone until the first part of my morning routine was completed. I would drink some water, do my yoga, make coffee, shower and then address any notifications I may have. It was way healthier and I could concentrate better on getting my head in the game of the day better by doing things that way.

Today, and for many days leading up to today, I’ve looked through my notifications before even rolling out of bed. I’m also waking up well before my alarm though, and going through some shit. I’m going to give myself a little bit of leeway here for a bit, with the thought that eventually I will get back on track with more healthy choices – mentally and physically.

Two things struck me at once though – first, that I had bought new make up yesterday, and also that the new Asking Alexandria album had been released. Plus I wanted to see how my gorgeous new plants had held up over night. On a whim I had driven to a local market and purchased an obscene amount of flowers and plants yesterday afternoon and planted them.

Whatever it takes to get you out of bed. Today it was new music, plants and makeup. You’ll never hear me judge someone else on what makes their world go round lol.

The plants were fine and as beautiful as ever. The music was phenomenal – every song on the album spoke to who I am and what I’m going through right now. And the makeup looked so much better with the slightly darker skin tone I now have than the makeup I had previously. Despite the rain, I found myself happy. Not over the moon or anything, but at least I knew I could function in society today.

I actually glanced at today’s quote last night, curious what lay in store for my writing adventure. I wrinkled my nose at it, but had some ideas forming already on how I would address it. This morning before I left I remembered I needed to post it to the Facebook page and take a photo of the page in the book so I could remember it in case I got hit hard with the writing itch while at work, but it slipped my mind when I realized I wanted to get coffee and get my car washed before work. I ran out the door without doing these things.

And wouldn’t you know it, there’s the itch. So I googled what I could remember of the phrase, and luckily found it.

“Love has no uttermost, as the stars have no number and the sea no rest” – Eleanor Farjeon

Ms. Eleanor knows what the fuck she’s talking about, I’m here to tell you.

One of my other favorite ‘love’ quotes is from Stephen King in The Drawing of the Three, and this reminds me of that. “Might as well try to drink the ocean with a spoon as argue with a lover.”

Both have valid points. You can’t stop love, no matter what, basically.

I mean you sure as hell can try. But it’s pretty fucking pointless. You’ll just end up tired and annoyed. And still in love.

I believe that you can’t control who you love, and I believe that once that love is there, there’s no stopping it, if it’s for real and true love. It takes some cataclysmic shit to put the brakes on it.

I have loved people I shouldn’t, for a long time. Trust me when I say, this is facts based on experience. You have to be hurt beyond what words can convey. I’m talking gut wrenching hurt, hurt so bad that it stops you in your tracks and brings you to your knees. And only then do you realize that it’s a pointless thing. But. . . While maybe you can separate yourself from the feelings, the feelings still exist.

Love doesn’t stop just because you want it to. It’s an ugly truth, sometimes.

And sometimes it’s a wonderful, beautiful thing. To love someone so selflessly that there’s nothing they could do that would make you love them less.

And really, that’s what I want to talk about.

There’s another quote out there, something about love is patient and love is kind. I had a Thomas Kinkade picture with the quote written on it at some point in my life and threw it away during one of my darker, more cynical moods.

But it’s all true. You can be as cynical as you want to be, but it’s all true.

Damn these quotes for making me talk about something that makes me itchy. . .

Anyway, here’s the thing.

If you for real and true love someone, no matter what you do to try and ignore it, it will creep up out of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks. They may smile a certain way, turn their head to a certain angle. . . And boom, there it is, and you’re left annoyed at yourself for feeling the way you feel. It’s a pull though, like a line tying you to that person, tugging at you. And you are fucking powerless to control it.

You can try to distance yourself from them, but you’ll see something funny, or have a bad day, and they’re the only person you want to talk to, the only person you want to share these things with. You can share it with the world and it won’t be enough for you unless you share it with that one person who matters most to you. You’re drawn to them, like the moon draws the tide.

There’s another saying out there about this invisible thread – but I’ve already got too much going on here with quotes. Suffice to say, this isn’t just my interpretation, there’s way more shit out there about this tie and pull you feel to another person. I do believe it to be absolutely and completely true, though.

As I was saying though, You can’t control love, and you most certainly can’t stop it.

Love is so goddamn complicated, and fucking messy sometimes. Everyone makes love out to be this perfect, blissful thing. And yeah, most of the time it is. But then there are the times when it’s not. There are the times you don’t see eye to eye with this person you are tied to, and it kills you because you want to, and you just can’t. There will be disagreements and arguments. . . But guess what.

If you really and truly love them, it won’t matter in the long run. You can walk away. Hell, you can move across the country. You can attempt to move on without them, pretend they never existed. And one day you’ll wake up and realize that even though they weren’t right in the argument, they were right in your life. Or hell, maybe they were right in the argument, who knows. When it’s all said and done though, it’s them that you want, and whatever the disagreement was about won’t matter.

You’ll love them selflessly. Its not a common concept because it’s rare. You’ll go out of your way to make them smile, to make their day easier. You’ll know what they need and when they need it – be it something simple or more complex. You’ll sense their moods, know when they need space, know when they need time, and know when they need you.

You’ll love them without expecting anything in return, and without expecting them to change. You’ll accept them fully for who they are, even the annoying parts, even the parts that most people can’t love. You’ll love their insecurities and try to ease them, you’ll love them when they’re angry and sad. You’ll love all of their broken pieces, and there’s nothing either of you can do to change it.

That’s basically what this Eleanor chick is trying to say. There isn’t an end to love, it just is. You can’t measure it, it’s infinite. It doesn’t stop for anything, it doesn’t care that you don’t want to feel the feelings. It hits you hard and doesn’t go away.

My original plan wasn’t to talk about traditional love, but the words did what they do and that’s where this ended up going. This is by far not my best post, because I struggle with the topic. Like I said – it makes me itchy. Uncomfortable. I can tell you all about all the bad shit and give you some inspirational shit but man, that ‘L’ word. . . It makes me nervous. Not because I’m afraid of it. Because I know the hurt attached to it. Because unfortunately, you can love someone in this selfless way I’ve described, and it’s unrequited. Unfortunately just because you feel this tie to someone, doesn’t mean they feel the tie to you. You’re just another person. And they don’t realize you’d move mountains for them to be happy. So you sit back and do what you can, from a distance, so that they are happy. It’s all you can do. There are many things in life that are worse and more painful. But feeling this way is pretty bad, too. It’s laying awake nights kicking yourself for being an idiot, it’s second guessing everything. . . It’s the definition of toxic. And you’re still powerless to cut that tie. Until that gut wrenching thing happens to bring you to your knees. Then, and only then, will you maybe gain some sense and be able to walk away.

As I said – love is messy and complicated and scary sometimes, and sometimes it takes time for everything to fall into the places it’s supposed to be. That’s where that patience quote comes in. Sometimes things don’t happen with the snap of a finger. Sometimes you do need to sit back and let shit work itself out. Only time will tell.

So now you have my very awkward, broken take on this quote. At the end of the day, it comes down to this – love just is. There’s no negating it, doing away with it, making it go away. It’s boundless.

Happy Monday. Love with out expectation.

Published by: A. Elizardo

Single mother to two amazing boys, sister to an inspiration, and the daughter of two opinionated, sarcastic, fun loving individuals that are no longer physically with us. Music, writing, reading, my family - living and gone - are what keep me going as I put on my rose colored glasses and navigate us through this crazy world.

Categories Quotes, Random thoughts1 Comment

One thought on “No Uttermost”

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