Grateful for Discouragement

This quote post couldn’t have come at a better time, because today I’m in a mood.

I busted my ass yesterday, and this morning when I woke at 8am – again on the dot – to Meeha barking to be let out, I promptly decided that sleep and I weren’t finished yet. I let her out, checked the notifications on my phone, attended to what needed immediate attention, and rolled over and fell back asleep.

My plan for the day had been another day spent doing yard work, but when I woke up at 10am, back wrecked, fingers still sore, muscles aching, I thought that it would be likely that I would be doing the bare minimum today. I skipped my normal morning shower, and decided to make breakfast for Matthew and me instead. The scent of scrambled eggs with spinach, mushrooms, scallions and bacon soon filled my kitchen.

The day progressed, and as I did indeed do the bare minimum, concentrating on creating a budget, paying bills, I was increasingly bothered. I know part was due to me having varied my morning routine, I don’t do well going against routine. But part of it was something else that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Four o’clock came, and suddenly I was extremely itchy. My thoughts were increasingly negative, and I needed to be away from everything. People, obligations, the never ending notifications I was getting.

I jumped in my car and drove to the cemetery. I didn’t know where else to go where I could gain some peace of mind.

Now I’m home, waiting for my grocery order to be ready. I’m still bothered, I still can’t put my finger on the reason why.

I am actually skipping a quote, because I’ve written so much about it recently. I don’t know that there’s anything further I can say on the topic at the moment:

“Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” – Henry James

See what I mean? I’ve already written all that can be written on the topic.

So I’m putting it in here so it’s written, but the actual quote I’m going to write about is below:

“Gratitude is the memory of the heart.” – Jean Massieu

I have a whole topic on here called ‘grateful’, and I often write of the things I’m grateful for.

Today I need to write about this topic because I’m in such a shit mood. Being grateful for what I have gives me reason to be happy. And by being continually grateful for your blessings, you create a new attitude – actually, I posted about this recently, too. Oh well. Today I need this.

I’m gratful for having slept in- even though it threw my day off a little bit, I needed the rest. I am always going and doing and being, and sleeping in let me recharge a little.

I’m grateful for my sore muscles – it means that I have the ability to be active, to do things that are strenuous. It means that I put effort into my project. It means that I am building strength.

I’m grateful for my paid vacation days, where I can concentrate on whatever the hell suites me. Yesterday it was busting my ass, today I am relaxing a little, tomorrow I’ll work hard again. . . I haven’t decided about Sunday yet, and Monday is looking like an extremely fun day with people that I love.

I’m grateful that it’s not stupid hot right now. My car read 81℉ as I drove out of town, and by the time I got to the cemetery, away from the city, it read 76℉. The sun is hot, but the air is cooler. I’m also grateful I have a place to go when I’m feeling out of sorts.

I was in love with my patio this morning, as I sat working on my budget. The sun was blocked by my umbrella, the flowers were gorgeous. . . I’ve made it such a peaceful place. I’m grateful for that space.

I’m grateful for music, as always. I’ve always loved Soundgarden, but this station is playing a lot from the band that I’m not as familiar with and I’m greatly enjoying it. I love Chris Cornell’s voice, and was heartbroken when he passed. There will never be an artist that is comparable to him. I’m grateful for the music he made while he was here.

I’m grateful for all that I have accomplished recently. The purchase of Rosalyn, the progress in my gardens, my weight loss, the tan I got yesterday, my improved credit score, the increase in people visiting and reading the blog. I like to see tangible progress, and in all of these things I can see what I’ve done visibly. It’s nice to see the work I’ve put in is paying off. To be fair, I’m not really trying to lose weight, it’s coming off due to me being more active. I don’t have it in me to focus on that aspect of my life right now, I have too many things taking my focus. But I wasn’t happy where I was at, so I’ll take what I can get.

I’m eternally grateful to my friends, who accept me for who I am, and never give up on me – even when I’m in my shittiest moods, even when I’m unreasonable, even when my head is in the clouds and I refuse to see what’s right in front of me. . . they don’t quit. They are constant. They bring me crashing back down to earth when I need it, but they soften the fall for me, too. I appreciate all that they do to keep me from going batshit crazy.

I’m grateful for online grocery shopping. I have about half an hour as I’m writing this until my order is ready, and I greatly appreciate the opportunity to not have to walk into a store in my current mood.

Always my kids. I am always grateful for them, that goes without saying, but I’ll always say it anyway.

I’m grateful for my rose colored glasses. Even though sometimes they get a little cloudy, I know that I’ll be able to clean them off and keep moving forward. Maybe not today. I see this mood lasting through and into the evening, but that’s okay. I’ll be better tomorrow.

I get annoyed sometimes – at the cards I was dealt, at the shit that I can’t control, because I am so good at making shit happen that I want to happen. I can decide that I want something, and I just go out and get it. But there are things that I can’t control, and it’s irritating to me that not everything is as easy as most everything else seems to be to go out and get. I am constantly being taught about having patience, so apparently it’s something I need to work on. I sat at my father’s grave this afternoon, and stared at the date on his headstone. I was absolutely horrified that we’re working towards six years that he’s been gone, and I thought how unfair it was. There are times when all I want is to be able to call him, to hear his take on a situation, to laugh with him, to share my stresses with him. And all I have is this damn rock to run to, instead. He is the only person who ever fully understood me, and loved me despite all my rough and broken edges. He’s the only person who never gave up on me. Above I sited my friends as not giving up on me, too. But this was somehow different. He had a different kind of faith in me, that maybe only a person who knows each and every one of your sides can have. I have yet to find a person who knows me on similar levels who has stuck around. It’s disheartening.

Maybe today I’m dealing with feelings of inadequacy and impatience, and that’s what’s got me itchy. Despite all the things I’m grateful for, all of the things I’ve accomplished, I know that there’s more to do and it can’t happen fast enough for me. I want to reach my destination already. I want to be done working so hard and climbing this fucking mountain that doesn’t seem to have a summit. The peak is covered in clouds and I can’t even see the fucking thing, and it’s infuriating.

Today I’m grateful for all that I have and all that I have accomplished; I’m grateful for all the little things that make my life worth living. But it’s okay to also feel tired sometimes. It’s okay to be discouraged sometimes – as long as you don’t sit down and live with the discouragement.

Today I’m grateful and tired, and I know tomorrow will be better.

Happy Friday, everyone. Take a moment to explore your feelings, even when they’re not always pleasant to explore. I’m grateful for my discouragement, because ultimately I know that it will feed my will to succeed.

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