Yesterday was the whirlwind of activity that I enjoy most; work for a few hours, then running the hooligans to their respective schools for material exchanges. I worked on and off on yesterday’s blog post, ran Chase to his dad’s (and to a local greenhouse with Chaser to pick flowers for the front yard) and home to dig my hands into the dirt and get said flowers planted. 7pm came and feeling tired I opted to pick up dinner for me and Matthew. I finished the blog post, forced myself to stay awake until the reasonable bedtime of 1015pm, gave up and crashed.
And you know after yesterday’s blog post about always being positive, I woke up in a shit mood. Go figure.
Trying to practice what I preach, I lit a couple candles and threw my curtains open to. . . Dreary gray clouds. For fucks sake I forgot it was supposed to rain today! Frustrated, I went to make coffee, turned on some music, and tried to get my mindset right. I just planted all those beautiful flowers yesterday, the rain is good for them I told myself. But for someone who’s mood is controlled by sunshine or lack there of, I gave a flying fuck about the rain the flowers needed at the moment. I wanted sunshine.
Halestorm seemed to help with my mood, reminding me I’m a badass that can conquer anything. I went outside and figured out how to install a phone mount into Scarlett. . . It looked easy, but anything that has the word ‘install’ involved baffles the fuck out of me, and after installing it upside down the first time, I managed to get it right. Pleased with myself, I finished getting ready for work and headed out. Before I did I glanced at today’s quote or course, though.
“Happiness is not found in things you possess, but in what you have the courage to release.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne
It’s odd to me how a book, printed and bound, seems to be speaking the words I need to hear most right now.
I have a hard time letting go. I’m not a quitter, I don’t run from shit when it gets hard. . . I look for ways to make it work. Too much about this life is hard, and so many aspects of my life have been hard. Had I not buckled down and figured out a way through and past the obstacles, I never would be where I am today. Suppose I had just said fuck it, it’s too hard to raise kids by myself, or too hard to work all these hours at a shit job. . . Where would I be? Giving up isn’t a part of who I am. If you want to move forward, you have to work for it, remember? Not everything comes easy.
But, sometimes. . .
Sometimes you gotta pick your battles.
I became well aquainted with the serenity prayer at an early age due to my parents both being alcoholics. And this is another version of that. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This has always spoke to me, even though I don’t deal with addiction myself. There is absolutely no sense in beating your head against a wall over some shit that you cannot change. Mr. Hawthorne is telling us (me) the same thing. Let that shit go.
You can have everything in the world that you want, and still be unhappy because of the one thing that you don’t have. It’s very simple. Find a way to obtain what you want, go after it, and get it. . . Or let that shit go. If it’s meant for you, it’ll happen. No matter what you do or don’t do. No use being miserable over it. No use wasting your time and energy on it.
Is it quitting? To a degree. But you can’t quit a game where you’re the only one playing. If you have met a dead end in the endeavor you are currently engaged with, it’s not quitting – you can’t quit something that’s ended. So you can’t view walking away from shit that doesn’t serve you as quitting. If you’re standing at a brick wall, you can’t walk through it, can you? I mean, you can certainly blow that bitch up and keep moving forward. But not without some sort of collateral damage. That’s my point. You have to know when enough is enough.
Like I said yesterday. Pissing rainbows all the time doesn’t keep all the bad things away. And that’s where the first part of the quote comes into play. Because even though it sucks to ‘give up’ on something, eventually you will see why it’s for the best. Where your energy can be used elsewhere. Where you’re happier without it.
That’s what I got today, folks. I’m absolutely drained from the dreary weather, and so I’m going to stop picking at this one. Happy Thursday. Let that shit go.