Impossible Things

Grandma and I sat in the car on Sunday, patiently waiting for our Longhorn Steakhouse order to be ready. Since the quarantine I hadn’t opted to order to go food from our normal sit down restaurants, and this experience was proving to me why; a half hour wait had turned into an hour at this point. But this was part of her mother’s day gift to her and I, so I bit off the comments about the wait. I’m not a patient person. I’ll barely wait to be seated for fifteen minutes inside a restaurant, let alone sit and wait an hour in my car.

We were chatting about this and that, and she turned to me, and looking at me in that piercing way she has, that only a mom can have, asked me, “Are you doing okay with this? I mean, you seem fine but. . . ” After 15 years of filling the mom roll to me, she knows me too well.

I sighed heavily, and watched traffic pass by for a moment before I answered.

“Yeah. . . I mean, what choice do I have? What good would it do for me to be anything other than ‘okay’? It wouldn’t change anything.” She nodded, and agreed.

“That’s right. You can’t let it bring you down.” She replied.

And I remembered all the training she has given me over the years. When my car broke down one time, and all seemed hopeless and I felt like I was completely and utterly failing at life, when I burst into tears riding in the passenger seat of her car, and she looked at me with that piercing gaze. “Don’t you cry. Crying doesn’t fix your car, and you’re going to be just fine.” She demanded of me.

And she was absolutely right. Crying wouldn’t make the repair happen, it wouldn’t make money appear out of thin air. Only making moves would make it happen. And so I swallowed my tears and made shit happen, and guess what. . . I was just fine.

Emotional stuff isn’t like a broke down car though. There isn’t a part I can put on, there isn’t money I can spend to fix how I feel. But it’s still the same concept. Crying isn’t gonna fix it, at least not all at once. Not to say crying doesn’t help ease the emotional pressure, but ultimately it just wastes time and makes my head hurt.

Unfortunately I’m pretty good now at moving beyond hurt and pain. There’s been an awful lot of it, and I know what works and what doesn’t to ease it.

And that brings us to today’s quote, which was supposed to be yesterday’s, until Love in Stillness intruded.

“Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” – Lewis Carroll

Now, I don’t know where Mr. Carroll’s head was at when he wrote this, but I have no doubt it’s meant to be inspirational. It’s meant to tell you that you can believe in the impossible and make it possible.

And that’s what I do. Every. Single. Day.

I truly believe that you manifest what happens to you. If you believe that only bad things are gonna happen and only shitstorms await you, guess what? That’s what’s gonna happen. You will encounter shitstorms after shitstorm, continual clusterfucks and just overall bad karma. That isn’t to say that pissing rainbows all the time will keep all the bad away, but I promise it helps. Life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but as long as you are grateful for the good and acknowledge the bad and move past it, the good will always outweigh the bad.

Once I came to this realization, life turned around drastically for me. I just kept pushing forward, and finding shit to be grateful for. And suddenly there was a lot less bad and a helluva lot more good.

I don’t know that there are necessarily six things I tell myself every morning that aren’t quite true, but to name a few things I tell myself to manifest good things in my life. . .

I am strong enough to handle whatever is thrown at me. There isn’t much in this world that I can’t overcome. I know how hard I’ve worked and how far I’ve come, I know the emotional and mental stress I’ve encountered and conquered. I’ve been in some very dark places and come out fine. Whatever today has in store will just be another day I’ve defeated.

I’m smart enough to handle whatever is thrown at me. It isn’t always about strength, sometimes it’s about thinking past it. Wrapping your head around a situation, accepting it for what it is, knowing what you can do to change it. . . And if you can’t change it, moving past it.

It’s a beautiful day. It can be raining and ugly and dreary, but all weather serves a purpose; rain to water the plants we need, sunshine to make them grow, cold and snow to let life rest and recharge, etc. And I woke up today. I’m healthy and my bills are paid and I’m comfortable in my life. That in and of itself makes the day gorgeous. It may end up being a beautiful day to spend outside in my garden, or it may be a beautiful day to cozy up with a book. Whatever the case may be, the day is here and it’s my job to make the most of it.

I’m beautiful. I am not your supermodel pin up with perfect proportions, I have stretch marks and numerous other body faults. For fucks sake I’ve lived 35 years of stress, I’ve carried two children inside of me. . . I’m not going to look perfect, and I shouldn’t. I show that I’ve lived through this life with the smile lines and frown lines and stretch marks, with the extra pounds for every taco I’ve enjoyed. But I also know that beauty isn’t all in your physical appearance. Beauty is in how you carry yourself, in your attitude and mindset. Looking in the mirror and admiring your assets and accepting yourself, or even gauging what you want to change and taking action on it. . . I have confidence in who I am, physically, mentally and emotionally. There’s beauty in confidence, and that attitude makes your assets shine and your faults less glaring.

I am a badass. Yes, I think this every day, because I have to. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t encounter some obstacle or another. Maybe it combines the smart enough and strong enough, but being a badass is a complete different level, a complete different mindset. It’s the “I’ve got this” attitude. It’s the squared shoulders and head held high stance. It’s confidence in ones abilities to accept and overcome. Sometimes being strong enough and smart enough aren’t enough. Sometimes it’s sheer stubbornness that gets you through.

It’s gonna be a good day. Even if I wake up and pour coffee into a water glass and drop everything I touch, I try to keep the mind set that today will be good. You can’t let the little shit hold you back, you can’t let it alter your reality. You can’t let anyone or anything bring you down. This is your life, and it’s only going to do what you choose for it to do, what you choose to make happen.

Now, maybe this isn’t what Lewis Carroll meant. Maybe he was more going down the actual impossible things vein. But for me, anything is possible, it’s all in what you want to make a reality. How can I look at my imperfect body and see beauty? How can I have a bad day and find the good in it? How can I remain positive in the face of adversity? Those things should be impossible. But they aren’t. No one said that life would be easy. But it’s definitely in the realm of possibility to make shit happen how you want it to happen. And no one said that what you want will happen instantaneously, either. You have to work for it. You have to work hard for it sometimes. And you have to be patient. Not just with the circumstances, but with yourself, too. You are growing and learning. You don’t turn 18 and automatically know everything, nor can you do everything. You have to make moves to get where you want to be. You have to take what should be impossible and make it possible.

So it’s with all of this in my head that I answered grandma’s question – are you okay? You seem fine, but. . .

I’m okay. Because I have to be, and I want to be. To me, there just isn’t an option to be anything but okay. This life we have is too damn short to waste on what ifs, it’s too short to waste on moping around because things didn’t work out like I thought they would. What will be, will be. . . And I’m okay, no matter what. I am strong enough and smart enough to handle whatever life throws my way. I am beautiful. It’s going to be a wonderful, beautiful day, and I’m a bad ass. And nothing and no one can stand in the way of my happiness but myself. It’s all a mindset.

Happy Wednesday. Take stock of the seemingly impossible, and make it possible.