Day Nine: Words of Wisdom

No matter what you do, there are just some things you have zero control over. You cannot plead, pray or argue to have it go the way you want. You can’t wish on a star or blow out your birthday candles and have your dreams come true. . . And when it’s done, there isn’t a person alive that can tell you the reason behind the how or the why. It just is.

I’m pretty good at busting my ass to get what I want. Work or home, I have found that hard work pays off. But sometimes, things just don’t work out how I envisioned it. The problem was, I was so busy examining the how and why that I didn’t take the time to recognize that there might be some other solution that was outside my plan of action.

This is life. And the sooner you give into going with the flow, the less stressful it will become.

Day Nine: Post Some Words of Wisdom that Speak to you.

I think I was right around 24 when it first hit me. I was slowly getting my shit in order and making a life for me and Matt. And it hit me out of the blue. . . My vision for myself was not a single mother with a child who had behavior and learning disorders. I had not intended to skip college and start my adult life trying to find a suitable career – and raising a child on my own. I was supposed to be in California writing my days away, how in the fuck did I end up here?

But one very frustrating day I looked at my sleeping child as he lay in my lap, and realized I was right where I was supposed to be.

Everything happens for a reason.

I don’t know who said it or realized it first, but there’s your words of wisdom.

Had I gone to California and followed my dream, would I have my amazing Matthew? Would my little Chaser have followed?

Not very likely.

And I live and I breathe for my children, and I can’t imagine my life without them in it.

My dream went down the toilet (so to speak) and in it’s place I was given the privilege of raising these two amazing hooligans. It’s been a bumpy, hard road. But every bump and bruise, every detour and closed road has led to this place where I am now, this person that I am now.

My dad told me once (maybe I’ve mentioned it, maybe I haven’t) that when he first found out I was pregnant for Matt that he feared I was too selfish to be a parent. He apologized for those initial thoughts because I had proven him wrong.

Had I followed my dream and subsequently not had my children I wouldn’t have learned what it means to truly love another human being unconditionally. I wouldn’t have learned what it meant to give to another while you did without. I wouldn’t have known true helplessness, nor would I have learned true happiness.

And all of the other things along the way – all of the broken ass cars and the dead end jobs and the apartments and failed relationships, even the loss of my parents and the added responsibility of helping my brother along his path in life – all of it has made me stronger, smarter, kinder. . .

Would I be any of these things without what I’ve been through?

This is also unlikely.

And I know I’m not done growing. I know I have moments where I am less than stellar. I know that there are times when I am selfish, and mean. When I make really stupid decisions. There are times when I am weak.

But I’ve come a helluva long way in 14 years.

The paths that differ from our plans are paths that teach us things and keep us from bad choices, they are paths that help us grow – mentally, physically and emotionally.

I cried and I begged every higher power known to man for the relationships with my kids father’s to work, and no matter what I tried, it just wasn’t in my deck of cards. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t make it work when love was always supposed to be the answer.

For years I wished for an opportunity to come along where I could pay for a nice vehicle and be done with the junk piles I was so used to driving. I didn’t understand the curse I seemed to have with vehicles.

Losing my parents by age 30 had me questioning a lot. Both of them were phenomenal people who had so much potential and died so young – why? Why did they have to have addictions and miss out on the potential of who they could have been? It just didn’t seem fair.

I asked why? so many times about so many things.

And the answer to it all is because everything happens for a reason. I was meant for something better than what was in front of me at the moment. I just couldn’t see beyond that moment. There is a higher power that steps in and says “Look, you. You’re fucking up. This is gonna be all bad and we need to change up the plan – sorry, not sorry.” Or “Hey, I hate to break it to you but you just aren’t ready for this yet. You aren’t mature enough, emotionally stable enough, financially responsible enough. . . You’re gonna have to wait for the good shit til you get your head right. Sorry, not sorry.” In regards to my parents – well. They lived their lives. They made their choices. Unfortunately those choices cut their lives short. It’s the utterly painful facts.

And now that I’m on the other side of the moment, I see that the relationships weren’t meant to be – we were meant to make children together, not a life, and nobody is at fault for that – I see that the broken ass vehicles made me appreciate and care for Scarlett better. I see that my parents were sick and are at peace now, if you believe in that sort of thing, and if not at least they aren’t fighting a battle every day with their demons.

And most importantly my children have made me appreciate life more.

As for the writing dream – maybe I needed to experience more and write more to grow into the author I’m meant to be. And maybe fame isn’t in the cards, maybe I’m going to write this blog until I die with just you all reading. Maybe fame would have made me into an ugly person, or maybe my bad decisions with the money fame brings would have been my undoing. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll still happen in the future. Who knows.

But I am right exactly where I’m supposed to be. Raising my children and going to concerts and digging in the dirt and writing this blog and managing my crazy property.

And I’m thankful for every millisecond of it.