Not gonna lie, things got really fucking intense there at the end of last year/beginning of this year. I wrote a couple posts about how I was spending the winter hibernating harder than normal, about some of the emotional and mental changes I was enduring. And then I fell silent, because for the life of me I just didn’t know where the fuck to start. I didn’t know how to tell y’all about where my head was at, and to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to write anymore. I found myself mentally and emotionally drained, and unsure about where I was in life, what I actually wanted, and how to proceed. All I knew was that I had to put one foot in front of the other – I needed to at minimum maintain my life, if I did nothing else.
So I binge watched TV and took care of my family and talked to a select few people who seemed to be on the same page as me in life, and I worked my day job. I spent time on myself, like really spent time on myself, for the first time in my life. I was selfish, taking long baths and ignoring my phone sometimes and not moving some days other than to pause my show and get up to get sustenance. I did a lot of thinking. I did a lot of soul searching. I dug into my thoughts and my feelings and the reasons why I am the way I am. I explored my own beliefs and delved into spirituality. I made changes to my daily habits and widened my perspective while simultaneously narrowing it to accommodate what I needed as opposed to what others thought I should be doing or thinking. I played with starting life fresh with a new home, vehicle, job. . . And made adjustments to the plan as life kept throwing me reasons to stay put for a little while longer. “Wherever you go, there you are,” as dad had said. You can’t run from yourself, no matter how hard you try. A change in scenery doesn’t do jack shit if you’re still an emotional clusterfuck. And truth be told, I was.
So. . . So I dug my heels in. I worked with what I had. Which was pure determination and stubbornness mostly, with a sprinkle of the new found knowledge I had gained through my own self analysis. I burned bridges and cut ties and mended fences and rekindled fires and made adjustments to my life to accommodate who I was becoming as opposed to who I had always been. I simplified my life where I could, I slowed the fuck down and appreciated what I had and where I’d been and what I’ve learned. I stopped with the pretenses, I stopped the people pleasing. I concentrated on what was in front of me, forgave myself and others for what was behind me, and deemed the future a blank slate, ready for me to fill it. I thought a lot about who I had always wanted to be as opposed to who I had become, and tweaked where it was necessary, when it was necessary. I found that the younger version of me had the right idea, and while life hadn’t worked out exactly like I had anticipated I could still be whoever the fuck I wanted to be, just like I always wanted. To hell with the status quo. I was determined to do me finally, after years of just pretending to do me. Sure, I have always wandered off the beaten path, but I always came back to the path because of others expectations. Now it was time to explore.
My life will never be as exactly carefree as I dreamed, and it will never be as quiet and calm as I would like. I have responsibilities, a day job, bills to pay, dinner to make, obligations to fulfill and adulting that needs done . . . But I also have two hooligan children and my amazing brother and an interesting if not sometimes frustrating profession, not to mention my friends, who are just as ambitious as me – the combination of crazy makes sure life stays exciting. But I can carve out time for calm and quiet. I can carve out time for adventures and shenanigans. I can take care of myself so I can be here for all of it, and I can approach each new day as a blessing.
That all being said, where does that leave things? What exactly are my intentions, how am I planning to proceed?
Honest answer? Fuck if I know.
I know that I have intentions to work hard, have fun, raise my boys to be phenomenal men, and try to leave the world a better place. Whether that’s through my writing or by other means, that remains to be seen.
But life is pointing at writing being my path, with odd synchronicities pointing me back to my words when I’ve been silent for so long. It started last week with an email reminder about my yearly website payment being due, and a positive message from a friend. It peaked this morning, with my guided meditation being about silence breeding creativity and my calendar putting its two cents in about the topic. I then exchanged encouraging words with a fellow blogger today when I haven’t had a comment on my work in what seems like forever. Okay universe, I’ll throw some words out there, see what happens. Sheesh.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to be writing about now. Formerly I wrote about my painful past and life lessons I was learning. I’m not sure that’s the vein I want to continue on, however. I’m past a lot of the painful stuff, I’ve done a lot of healing. I guess the words will take me wherever they want, as they always do, if this is indeed what I’m supposed to be doing. And I’m pretty certain that wherever life takes me, whatever life throws my way, words are supposed to be a part of it.
As always, thank you for your encouragement and your time. I hope the sun is shining where you are, and you have found a reason to love your life and keep moving forward. Happy Tuesday.