Seed

I sat today watching Chase practice his spelling words.  He had opted to lay on my bedroom floor while he wrote out the words he needed to work on while I sat on my bed reading a magazine.  Today I was home from work, yet again, not feeling well.  I’ve had eleven days off since August 19th, and I’m generally not one to call off work.  These ear infections are kicking my ass still, and I am totally over it.  But as I sat watching my son sing song his way through spelling, a thought occurred to me – I’m right where I’m supposed to be.  Granted, I wasn’t feeling fantastic.  I was too ill to go to work and be productive, but well enough to supervise my son’s learning.

I talked in my last post about change.  I came across an article in one of the magazines I read today about change.  I have had more than one conversation about the things I’ve changed in my life. It seems to be a constant, recurring topic in my life.  Apparently, I need to think about it more. Apparently it’s a topic that needs a little more exploration.

What I haven’t noted is how I no longer cook as much as I once did, how I am now regularly doing my nails after years of not, and the fact that I am likely going to completely tear out my garden here in the next week or so. 

Why?

Because I want to simplify my life, and I want to do things I enjoy – and not just because I feel I have an obligation to do them.

Today’s quote kind of picks up where yesterday’s post left off.

“Life always bursts the boundaries of formulas. Defeat may prove to have been the only path to resurrection, despite its ugliness.  I take it for granted that to create a tree I condemn a seed to rot. If the first act of resistance comes too late it is doomed to defeat. But it is, nevertheless, the awakening of resistance.  Life may grow from it as from a seed.”

Antoine de Saint- Exupéry

Our world was turned upside down with this pandemic.  Like I said in yesterday’s post – so, so fucking much has transpired and changed this year. How could I not change with it? Things are still wonky as hell, with masks and social distancing and some schools closed and some open, mass unemployment, etc., etc., etc. Some people are adaptable.  Some are not.  The life I have lived has made me extremely adaptable, so at least there’s that.  I’m over here like “Oh, the world’s tipped on its side?  Up is down now and down is up?  This is what we’re doing now? Okay then.”  I’m grateful for the fact that I’m able to roll with this particular set of changes, as opposed to fearing them.  

This pandemic is obviously an extremely ugly thing.  Obviously, the illness and the death, but also the lines that have been drawn because of people’s opinions about it. Is it real?  Is it politically staged? Are the numbers correct? Was it man made and released on purpose. . . ? And don’t even get me started on the mask debates and vaccine debates.

How about this. 

Regardless of how or why or who. . . it exists.  For the sake of argument, say it isn’t even real – we’re still walking around with masks and social distancing and some schools open and some closed and sky-high unemployment rates.  Regardless, our world is completely fucking different than it was at the beginning of 2020.

And regardless of the why, I am looking through my rose-colored glasses. This pandemic seems to have been the seed to change for me. It opened the door for me to think a little deeper and a little harder about where I was at in life.  I realized I was doing a lot of things because it was expected of me. Obligations held me back from living life to its fullest. I realized I wanted some simplicity in life, and I wanted to enjoy more and work less.  I still bust my ass, don’t misunderstand.  But I enjoy what I’m working on more than I did before.  I want to enjoy my life.  That’s all I’ve ever wanted.  To laugh and love and have fun. . . and  make someone else’s day a little bit better than it was while I’m at it. I want to enjoy my kids before they’re adults and see neat things and have cool experiences.  I want to write and read instead of pulling weeds and standing in front of a stove all day. I want to know what it is to relax, too.  I want that balance of busting my ass and sitting back to look at my progress and revel in my accomplishments.

I pray for the pandemic to end – real or fake, politically fed, manmade, I really don’t care the reason behind it, I just want normal to come back – or at the very least a semblance of normal.  I want to sing along with a band at a live show, I want to walk in a store and not have to pull my mask down to smell a candle, I want to drop Chase off in the loop line at school again and take our morning picture. I want to see Matt dressed up for a formal dance. I want the illness and the fear that it has created to be gone.  I’m grateful for the positive changes that have come of it, and when this is over, I know we’ll all be able to appreciate life just a little bit more.  But I want the end of this chapter to come sooner rather than later.

I have to look at the bright side to keep moving through this part of our story, so I sat there today watching Chase complete his spelling lesson, not feeling fantastic but appreciating the time that I have with my son. In our ‘normal’ he would be at school and I would be at work.  Instead, we were together, and I can help him learn and watch him discover things. So at least there’s that.

I knew at the beginning of this year that I was in for a roller coaster.  I felt it in my bones.  I had zero idea how big of a roller coaster I was getting on, though.  I’m pleasantly surprised by what has become of the clusterfuck that started this self-discovery ride rolling, at least on a personal level.  I’ve found a side of myself that I didn’t know existed. But I like her.  I like her a helluva lot. And I’m not even sure I’m done evolving.  I still feel like there’s a few more tricks up 2020’s sleeve.  And I’m here for it.

Photo by Becca Romine on Unsplash

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