Breather

Finally, a half way successful morning.

I have spent the majority of the last week feeling lethargic, with almost no enthusiasm for life. My kids brought me joy as always, and the new music that’s been released. I had a ‘date’ with Oliver, which I’m working on a post about. But I really just kind of dove inward for a few days – sleeping a lot, reading (I’ve almost finished If it Bleeds, which is a nice thing after so long of not reading), but otherwise going through the motions of life. Take care of the kids, go to work. . . I did meditate in the mornings and in the evenings, and started taking my Chantix. But otherwise. . . robot mode.

Sometimes life catches up with me and I need this little break from doing all the things. This summer has been a fucking roller coaster – I threw new aspects into my life, stretching outside of my comfort zones to achieve more. We’re going into the fall, with uncertain school circumstances. . . hell, uncertain life circumstances. No one know what this pandemic is going to bring. So to digest what has happened over the last several months, and prepare for what’s to come, I took a mental break. I needed a breather.

Badflower released a new song, 30, talking about what it’s like to hit that magical age. And I felt it when he sang, “Everything’s changing, and I don’t know shit about shit!”

No. No, I don’t.

I don’t do well with uncertainty. I don’t do well with change. But I recognize it’s value. If I want to get to my destination, I need to change things, I need to break the walls of my comfort zones. I need to be able to adjust with what life throws at me, and use it to my advantage.

I’ve been sleeping in way late, allowing myself just enough time to get ready for work and walk out the door. I come home and deal with dinner, I have worked periodically on the piece about my adventure with Oliver, and talked to Sophia in the evenings. Then I crawl into my bed and into my book for awhile before bed. No forward movement on my writing, even though I found a new place to publish that I need to investigate more, even though I have words crawling around in my brain that need to be released.

Today brings an eye appointment for the boys, and the beginning of the deliveries for the new desks and work station supplies I purchased for them, since they will be doing their schooling at home. I have an adventure with Emma planned for the weekend, and more gardening to see what survived the summer amongst the weeds that I let over take it. I have plans for some heavy writing this evening to catch up.

Part of the meditation series that I’m working through is acknowledging that we all need to rest our minds sometimes. I’ve discovered that while I knew that I was an over-thinker, I had zero idea how incessantly chatty my brain was. Taking the time in the mornings and in the evenings to silence it definitely has it’s benefits. Since I’m just beginning to practice mediation, I’m not seeing a lot of changes, but I can absolutely feel that this is going to be a help to me.

Stopping to take a break is important is what I’m learning this week. Breaks are nice, and they are needed. But I can’t afford to lose my focus completely. I’ve come too far. I’ve broken down a lot of walls. Time to keep moving forward.

So today I forced myself out of bed at 6am, despite my minds attempts to drag me back into slumber. I showered, meditated and started laundry. I’m writing this post. I’ll get ready for work and knock out my to-do list, take my children to their eye appointments, and come home and get some shit done here, too.

I’ve had my breather. Time to start kicking ass again.