Castle Walls

My desk area is almost completely set up! This makes me stupidly happy.

On Friday I set up the area in a makeshift way, just to see if it would work. After determining that it would, I ordered a few items to complete it. This afternoon I got one of the main items, so while dinner cooked and then after the kitchen was cleaned up, I removed everything from the area and set it up to my liking.

It isn’t much, but it’s mine. ❤

I have my inspirations – my Human Unlimited post cards, photos of my kids and brother, my Badass calendar, concert memorabilia. . . I’m just waiting on my computer desk chair to arrive so I can put the kitchen chair back, and I’ll be all set.

I’ve had worse Monday’s than today, I just felt a little worn down. I spent my lunch running errands, and was at the mercy of people who had no urgency in getting their job done. I only got two of three items completed on my list because of this, which was slightly annoying. I have an endeavor in the works that is rather time sensitive, so not seeing the urgency I feel in the people who’s job it is to get things done efficiently is definitely slightly irritating. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

I came home to my hooligans and J, who had decided to come and visit his brother. While I was at work they decided to make a ‘man cave’ in the basement. They cleaned up a corner of the basement where I already had a couch and chair and T.V. stand set up. They moved things around a little, set up a T.V. and game console, and threw up a sheet to close off the area from the rest of the basement. It’s amazing how well they can work together and clean an area up when it will benefit them. I was insanely impressed with them. I’ll probably go out and buy something a little better than a bed sheet for them this weekend to separate the area, but for now their set up works well.

I sat at work today, itching to do some writing. But because I’m pre-scheduling posts on Facebook, I had taken the photo of today’s quote, edited it, downloaded it on my computer, and deleted it yesterday evening. I knew the gist of the quote, but couldn’t remember enough of it to write something.

“This is what separates artists from ordinary people: The belief, deep in our hearts, that if we build our castles well enough, some how the ocean won’t wash them away.” – Anne Lamott

Amen, Anne.

Without really knowing it, this is how I’ve been living my life for the last fifteen years; making myself indestructible. Making myself so self sufficient that not a single motherfucker can knock me down. There are very few storms that could come around and knock me down the way that I have been in the past – be it mental, emotional, or physical.

And I guess I’m pretty much there, on the mental and emotional plain. A motherfucker can hurt me, but he sure as fuck isn’t gonna knock me down. In fact, I’ll take the hurt and turn it into determination and become better for it.

Is that cold? Yeah. It’s a little cold. But I don’t really have an option. I can’t stop because of hurt feelings. I’m too damn stubborn. I’ve come through too much to let someone else’s lack of vision hold me back. Don’t misunderstand – I don’t ever want to be so cold as to not be able to feel; I want to be able to continue to embrace the good in this life. I want to love, and to laugh. I want to be able to see the beauty in a clear blue sky and find the joy in a child’s laugh. I just don’t want to be so easily shaken by others actions, or lack thereof. I want to be able to embrace that not everyone has the ability to step back and see the big picture like I can. That not everyone has the capacity to work through the hard times like I can.

All I can do is make myself stronger, so maybe next time I either will have learned a lesson and won’t end up hurt, or I’ll be able to bounce back quicker.

Financially, I would be okay if I lost my job tomorrow, if my car broke down tomorrow, if my landlord decided to sell the house tomorrow, or God forbid, a disaster where the house was obliterated. I could come back from all of this rather quickly.

I do have a few things left to do before my castle walls are strong enough to withstand any storm. . . but I think I’m to a point where I can withstand a pretty heavy storm, at least.

And I’m really proud of this. It wasn’t that long ago that a switch in the winds direction would have blown me over.

I’m not in my big house overlooking the ocean from my picture window in my office yet. I’m sitting at this makeshift desk, typing away about strength and endurance. But my castle walls are reinforced with determination, with goals and aspirations, with love and dreams. Sheer stubbornness holds then up, even when shit gets rough. And hope. I cannot forget the hope that I have in the future. I just know I’m going to end up right where I want to be. In my castle, unable to be touched by anything negative in this world.

Published by: A. Elizardo

Single mother to two amazing boys, sister to an inspiration, and the daughter of two opinionated, sarcastic, fun loving individuals that are no longer physically with us. Music, writing, reading, my family - living and gone - are what keep me going as I put on my rose colored glasses and navigate us through this crazy world.

Categories Grateful, Inner Strength, Quotes, Self DiscoveryLeave a comment

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