The Stories We Hide

I was having an absolutely splendid day.

My alarm went off at 530am, and I did fall back asleep for a little but still got out of bed at 550am. . . So a little improvement on yesterday.

I had started a piece I want to submit to another place last night, and after showering, starting laundry and attending to some other business, I got to it. I wrote it out to the end, and figured I’d edit and submit this evening.

Work wasn’t overly hectic, and I was getting shit done. Sometimes my job, after this long, allows me to think of other things while I do normal every day things. I came to some self discovery conclusions as I worked, and I felt good about them.

As I left for lunch, the wind picked up and the rush of it in the trees made me want to stop in my tracks. Not wanting to give the residents the idea that I’m overly strange though, I continued to walk to my car while watching the branches sway and listening to that wonderful sound. It made me smile. It was quite like an end of summer day – there was some heat in the sunshine but a bite in the breeze. Truly, a perfect day.

But shit hit the fan once I got back to work. There was an issue that was well beyond my knowledge base and quite the clusterfuck. I felt my blood pressure go up. Before I had solved the issue to the best of my ability, I had a headache. I was trying really hard to laugh through it, but this one blew my mind to the point that I would have rathered just walked away and sat in a quiet room and stare at a wall for a couple hours. I’m not one to lose my cool in difficult situations, but even my boss had to order me to take a deep breath, which says something. It’s only happened once before, let’s just say that.

As things got situated and calmed down and a plan in place, I felt myself coming down from the stress.

It’s times like these when every emotion I bottle up wants to pour out of me, and I had to step away for a minute. I stood in the bathroom and fought the absolutely unnecessarily tears that were coming.

Internally, I gave myself a pep talk. Like “No, bitch. This shit is not even that serious, it’s handled, and you’ve fucking got this. There is so much worse, when you leave work today you get to go home and write and water the garden and make dinner. This is work. You can leave it here.” And somehow I was able to suck it up and go back to my desk without completely losing my shit.

This is the problem I deal with. This is the type of thing that happens when I don’t let emotions be free to do what they’re supposed to do. When I try to avoid feelings and they just sit there without an outlet. While this situation was a holy clusterfuck, it was figureoutable and not world ending. So why I let myself get so worked up is only due to the other shit going on in my life. No other reason.

Somehow, I’m gonna have to figure out a better way to release this shit in my head.

For now, we’ll concentrate on today’s quote.

“Good people are good because they’ve come to wisdom through failure.” – William Saroyan

If there aren’t truer words. . .

I’m an empathetic person to a lot of situations. I’ve seen some of the ugliest parts of the human soul, some of the most horrible situations. . . A long time ago someone once told me “You’re still a good person, though. You’ve been through so much shit but you still have this brightness about you.” They went on to tell me I’m inspirational.

But I am only a good person because of the bad I’ve encountered.

I can put myself in other people’s shoes because I’ve lived through some situations that you have to live through to know about.

And I guess that’s probably what damn near sent me over the edge today.

Sometimes I feel too much at once and it’s overwhelming. I try to break it off into pieces I can handle, I try to feel things when I’m ready to feel them. But when a stressful situation comes up, sometimes it opens a floodgate to everything else I’m not ready for. Everything I’m not ready to deal with.

I stomped it back down. I don’t have time for anything else right now.

Probably not psychologically healthy. But I know what works for me.

I did have to have a moment with words though before I go about the rest of my day. I need to go get groceries and make dinner and water the gardens and edit that piece so I can send it on it’s happy little way. So my dreams can start to come true.

Happy Tuesday. Before you judge, consider that you don’t know what all is in someone else’s head, what they’re dealing with. . . You don’t necessarily know their story just from looking at them.

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