Big Imagination

Late night post tonight, folks.

I went to bed fairly early, for me anyway, last night. 1030pm found me snuggled up with my Chaser, talking about shadow shapes and giggling about how crazy my little guy is. As I mentioned in last night’s post, he had one of his migraines yesterday, and worried about him I had him sleep with me. Sometimes the migraines bring on a fever, and last night was no exception. It’s much easier to roll over at 2am to check his temperature than it is to get up, climb through his 8 year old madness of a bedroom, find where he’s buried under the covers, and check his temperature then. I may as well stay up at that point. So, he slept with me. And my chatty Chaser was regaling me with his interpretation of what shapes he was seeing in the dark, with only just a little light coming in through the curtains over my windows. He has a helluva imagination.

711am, and I urged myself out of bed. Still no K-cups, I just don’t want to go to the store. I literally only need three things, and all of them have acceptable substitutions for the time being. If I can put it off until this weekend, I will.

A rather quiet, relaxed day at work, I got a lot done. I had wanted to take a break to work on the draft post, I’ve found a good one – but it needs some major editing and changes. I couldn’t bring myself to break away from my actual, paid job though. I was on a roll, casually getting shit done in fast progression. I love days like that, when I can do my job with minimal interruptions and little stress. So, no draft post today.

I grabbed dinner for me and Matthew on my way home from work, and while we sat eating Wendy’s he nonchalantly told me he had a 4.5 GPA. Holy shit, this kid is amazing. I immediately jumped on the grade app on my phone – I had been monitoring the grade updates, but hadn’t looked at his GPA in awhile.

Sure e-fucking-nough, there it was. 4.5. Man, look at you go Matthew B.! Chase isn’t in the GPA grade range yet, but rest assured he did amazing as well. I was just blown away by my freshman doing so damn well, and in the middle of a pandemic and remote learning, at that. The sky is the limit for that boy.

630pm found me racing down the road, the temperature a searing 94℉, windows all the way down, music full blast, the air heavy and hot, the sun baking my skin. I was headed to Sophia’s for a couple hours. . .

Which ended up much longer. Which is why I’m sitting here at 11pm, writing this post.

Anyway. Today’s quote. . . it’s an interesting one.

“Imagination is the eye of the soul.” – Joseph Joubert

I mean, Joe’s not wrong. It just never occurred to me, once again.

Think of your day dreams, think of the things that you sit there and think about when your mind isn’t otherwise occupied.

Those secret thoughts, that no one can hear, the ones no one knows about. . . that’s the real key to who you are as a person.

I’m always thinking of something. If I tell you I’m not, I’m lying and don’t want you to know what I’m thinking about. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There some things that just aren’t someone else’s business. And saying ‘nothing’, is much less rude than ‘it’s none of your fucking business.’ So I say nothing.

I do a lot of thinking. Even when I’m doing something else, I’m generally thinking about another thing entirely. I’m a multi-tasker by nature, and so I can be singing and driving and smoking a cigarette and planning what my next blog post is going to be. I can be reading and thinking how the story relates to my own life. So on and so forth.

There is never a moment that I can recall in my life where my mind was just . . . blank.

I envy those kind of people sometimes. It feels like I have ten tabs open on a web browser, at all times. And I bounce between them as needed.

Blog posts. Gardening. What’s for dinner. Are the kids doing their chores? How do I tell this person in a professional manner that they’re an idiot? To-do lists, tomorrow’s weather, what I’m going to wear, What song is that that’s playing? More often than not I have a song stuck in my head, too.

I also think about the things troubling me, the stresses in my life, when this problem or that problem will get resolved, and how to resolve it. I think about my future, where am I gonna be in ten years? Am I gonna achieve my writing dream? I worry about my kids, and how they’re gonna end up, I worry if I’m doing this whole parenting thing right. . .

Man. My head is busy.

This is the majority of my brain load. Worrying, words, music and flowers.

I’m not sure what that says about me. I can’t say that I sit here and imagine the future, because life is so uncertain, and no amount of imagining is going to bring anything to be a reality. Not to sound pessimistic, because ya’ll know I’m anything but that. But in reality, its actions, not day dreams that drive me. Thinking and going and being and doing. So I think about my next move ninety percent of the time. I stopped day dreaming a long time ago, guys. All it does is lead to disappointment when the day dream doesn’t come to be a reality, or when shit goes the absolute opposite direction then you gotta come up with a new daydream. . .

As a teenager I saw myself as an adult living in a humongous house, with my office in a room with these ridiculously huge picture windows, a room of light that overlooked the ocean. And I would sit there at my computer while the waves crashed below me and write another critically acclaimed novel while I sipped coffee and debated my next book signing.

It’s not that I can’t still obtain that. I’ll just probably be sixty or so.

The path changed. I have my kids now, I have a life that I’ve built brick by brick that allows us to be comfortable.

So instead of an office I sit on my bedroom floor on a plush rug, using my son’s laptop to write a quick post at 11 o’clock at night, listening to Five Finger Death Punch sing about Sham Pain on my bluetooth speaker. I can hear city traffic, not waves crashing, outside my window.

And I’m not unhappy. That’s the thing. I’m not where I ‘imagined’ I would be at 35, but I really like this spot. My kids are healthy and doing well academically and emotionally. I’m not rich but I’m not poor like I have been. I’m not a household name, but I have some amazing friends and some amazing people in my life that matter to me, and I matter to them. I had a good day at work, I had a good evening with one of my best friends. My bed is soft and inviting me to curl up and sleep and rest my overworked brain as the AC blasts cool air into the room. . .

I’m kind of rambling a little. I promise I’m getting to the point.

Imagination. . .

I imagined one thing and I’m somewhere else.

But, what did that long ago daydream say about me?

That I’m not one to settle. That I want big things for myself, and thus for those that are important to me. I’m not content living a life that is meaningless. I want to make an impact, I want people to remember me. I wanna make moves, damnit. I don’t want to sit here stagnant.

And I won’t. It may not be my exact daydream that I get, but it’s gonna be pretty fucking amazing, where ever this life leads me. That I can guarantee you.

So I’ll sit here and make my plans instead of daydream so I can get there.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t daydream. To each their own. I just go about it in a different way.

Happy Tuesday. Dare to think big.