I honestly thought after writing that last doozy of a post that I was done for the day. I’m not lying when I say that I had to stop for a moment and get my shit together. I know it’s a good post when I cry while writing it, as strange as that may seem. When I feel anxious after hitting publish, I know I’m going to get through to some people that need to hear the words I’m saying. I don’t write this blog because it’s always a comfortable thing to do. I write it because I have to. Without this little bit of therapy, I don’t know that I would have come as far as I have in the last few years.
Every night after I write my ‘quotes’ post for the day, I glance at the next one, to get my brain working on it. By morning I’ve done forgotten it though, so it’s brand new when I open to the new one again in the morning. I post it to the Facebook Page, and go about my day, leaving my writing for the evening hours after I’ve accomplished everything I’m required to do for the day. With it being warmer, I sit on my back deck, with only the string lights and my phone as a light source, and my music playing next to me from my bluetooth speaker. Sometimes there’s an Angry Orchard, sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes it’s early in the evening, sometimes it isn’t. Quite often, the quote is a prediction of how my day is going to go, it’s a prediction of something I am going to discover, or rediscover through out my day. That little book is the oddest thing I’ve encountered in a long time. I’ve become reliant on it a little bit.
I’ve started working through my drafts now, as the writing itch is overly strong. As of right now I have thirty-five drafts on here that either need to be deleted or finished or edited and published. So I’m writing twice a day. I really thought with all that the last post was and the emotions it evoked that it would have taken care of the writing itch for the day.
Yesterday I spoke of some small goals I have made for myself for this summer, and today I started on accomplishing those goals. I decided to put some money into my writing. Just a little, nothing extravagant. As I’ve been preaching, you can’t wait for shit to fall into your lap, sometimes you have to chase after it to make things happen. So, I borrowed Matt’s laptop that I got him for Christmas, and I purchased a plan for my blog – thus getting my very own domain name – I edited the website, changing up the logo and theme, and then paid to boost a post on Facebook to drive traffic to the website. Guys, I’m a big kid now! I sat and stared at my finished website, and watched my numbers go up by leaps and bounds, and I just grinned. I got that anxious feeling in my stomach, where everything was Topsy-turvy. . . And I felt that I had done the right thing, even though I was nervous about it. I felt like this might be the start of something big. Maybe I’m wrong. But oh, what if I’m right?
Just as I was finishing up this endeavor, the rain started to come down. Between the adrenaline I experienced from finally taking a leap and putting money into my hobby and the now grey skies and rain, I felt instantly tired. I could have definitely napped. I wandered around the house, picking up this and that, switching the laundry. . . I felt a little lost. I’ve been on the go so much recently that it felt odd to not be writing, gardening, at work, or gone with friends. I was too tired to ready myself for going out in public, and I didn’t want to nap. I didn’t have the energy to do much of anything, really.
So, I scanned through my drafts, and happened on one that spoke to me.
And after several hours of writing and editing and picking, after taking a break to break down and calling Sophia to talk me off the figurative ledge, I finished it. Instantly a weight fell off of me and I was anxious to be on the move again. I had been debating visiting a friend, and with this weight gone I finished dinner for the kids and did just that.
Now it’s almost eleven o’clock at night, and here I am, writing again. I’ve decided I like writing on Matt’s laptop, so I’ve temporarily stolen it again. I just added getting my very own laptop to my to-do list for this summer, by the way.
And that brings us to today’s quote.
“Self-knowledge is no guarantee of happiness. But it is on the side of happiness and can supply the courage to fight for it.” – Simone de Beauvoir
This whole fucking blog is a testament to self-knowledge. Every post I write tells me something new about myself. That’s why when I write the really deep, dark shit, when I write the very telling things about my life that I’ve encountered, I get so emotional. I don’t always have control of the words, they pour out and I’m just as shocked as anyone when they are written. When I wrote about what I see when I look in the mirror every day, I didn’t know those words would be the ones to come out, until they were already out and typed. And I pulled my fingers back from the keyboard, putting them to my mouth like the words had burned me as I typed them, and tears welled in my eyes. I can’t make this shit up. It’s too raw, it hurts too much sometimes. But in writing it, I heal a little bit more. So I sat there staring at the screen, at the words that had burned me as they came out, and I cried a little bit. I cried for the girl I once was, and I cried because a little bit of her is still there inside me, and I didn’t even really know it. I saved the draft right there where it was at, got up, grabbed a cigarette and called Sophia. “Amber, why are you doing this to yourself?” she asked me as I explained what had happened.
“Because I have to. The draft was already there from God knows when, and when I read it I had to finish it.”
“Well you need to take a break from it. Stop and take a step back.”
My step back was my five minute cigarette break and phone call to her. And then I went back and finished it. It’s like slaying a dragon sort of. I finish it, and I’m better afterwards.
In order to get through this shit, I have to write it and learn about it. I have to share it with others, I have to release it. And in doing so, I’m slowly but surely letting go of the past, and becoming happier.
That’s the long and short of it, guys. My blog is a quest of self-knowledge, it’s a quest in finding the happiness I deserve. I wish everyone had an outlet like this, and could let go of their demons so completely.