I wrote this originally in November 2019, before my life took a drastic turn. I felt impending change, and I felt itchy about what I felt coming. I wrote it at 4am and published it briefly, and then unpublished it. I should have left it be. It’s some good shit.
I haven’t had the ability to write in several months, some sort of writer’s block I suppose. I tried to remedy it with the 30 day challenge and that came to a halt, too.
4am, I woke up to use the bathroom. As I laid there trying to fall back asleep the angels sang and Amber got an idea.
Fuck it. Whatever. Who am I to argue? I turned on my light to give it a try. This not writing shit is for the birds! It’s the ultimate unscratchable itch.
I know I’ve written about my being single. I’ve written So, you think you can handle a single mother. . ., and then there was Day Six: Bring something to the table, not to mention Day Two, Someone once told me and Insecurities. And while all of this is true, right now I feel the need to elaborate even more on the topic.
I’ve laid out what I want in these posts. I’ve said that I am content in my solitude, in the life that I have made for me and my boys. But I’ve found myself thinking about what I don’t want recently. What I am afraid of, essentially.
I don’t want boring. I don’t want to come home and just make dinner and do all the things required to run a household and go to bed. I want what I have now with my children – laughter and engagement with each other, happiness. I have so much fun in the evenings joking and laughing with the boys. . . Never a dull moment. I don’t want to lose that with them, and if I’m adding another person to the mix I want that person to be able to join in on the shenanigans, I want someone we don’t have to dull ourselves down for. I want silly, and I want fun. I don’t want the boring and mundane.
Speaking of my boys, I don’t want someone who is going to be jealous of them or take my time from them. Maybe I haven’t said that already because it’s a given that it’s not something that I would tolerate for even a second, but we’re talking about things I don’t want, so I may as well put that one out there.
I don’t want to be someone’s mid-life crisis or second choice. If I’m going outside my single life comfort zone it better be for a permanent situation. Obviously no one can guarantee anything but generally you know if you’re just out testing the waters, and you generally know if this is someone you see a future with or not. I don’t want games. I don’t want any sort of uncertainty. Be damn sure I’m what you want before you go for it, and be damn sure you know what all you’re getting when you choose me, and be damn sure you’re ready for some consistency and permanence, because I’m absolutely not interested in anything less.
In regards to all you’re getting. . . Haha. Y’all, I’m a mess. I am this confident trainwreck, and I kind of feel bad for the guy who chooses to deal with me on a personal level. I don’t have mood swings, I have mood mountains I jump off of from time to time. I will be absolutely pissed for no good reason. I will hear a song and start crying, even though I don’t cry often about much of anything. I will randomly decide to rearrange a room for no real reason other than I was sick of the view. I’ll get bursts of energy and bursts of laziness. For weeks and months I will be on top of shit and then for a week straight I’ll want nothing but my bed and a book. I feel bad for the guy who chooses me because he’s got to be able to keep up. I don’t want a guy who’s gonna judge me for my mood, whatever mood that may be. And those times I get angry because I’m overwhelmed, those times I need to cut myself off from the world because life gets to be too much. . . I just need him to be there. I don’t want someone who is going to crowd me with wanting explanations and for me to reassure them that they didn’t do anything to cause it. Please, God, no. Just be there to help bring me back to reality, to slow me down. I get sad, and angry. I get hyper and goofy. And I get overwhelmed and quiet. And that needs to be okay.
And I mean while we’re talking about it, let me just say I don’t want someone who is needy. I don’t want someone who needs my undivided attention. I don’t want someone that needs me texting them all day everyday. I have shit to do, a life to maintain, a job and children, and sometimes life gets hectic and crazy and for the love of God if he’s going to add to the hectic and crazy please don’t send him my way.
Guys, I just want a little balance, though really. I just want the ability to be happy and be myself, the ability to trust another human with my true self, and someone who isn’t going to add anything but those things – balance and happiness – to my life. I want laughter and stability, I want love and authenticity. I want to be as confident in a relationship as I am by myself. I want to know that this person has my back, I want to be able to rely on another person and not have to worry that they won’t come through, or worry that they’ll give up and walk away.
And this is why I stay single. This is why I am happy on my own. Because I know I’m asking a lot, I know they’re hard shoes to fill. But I have every confidence that there’s someone who can. In the meantime. . . I am 100% content, right where I am in life.