Suitcases

Today, I woke up pissed off and sick of people’s shit.

It could have something to do with my back still bothering me. But it could also have something to do with I’m not one to sit around and wait for shit, nor am I one to play games. Shit gets old, quick. I laid there after turning my 7am alarm off – between Motrin, muscle relaxers and melatonin I had slept through the night, thank you very much medicine gods – and just thought, man. Here I am, anxious as fuck about a situation that I have zero control over. Nothing I do or say can change it, and so. . . Why exactly am I stressing myself out about it? Why am I pouring my time and energy into overthinking this shit when no amount of thought is gonna make things different? I did everything I can do to right the wrongs. It’s out of my hands now.

There comes a time when you wake up and realize that you just need to shrug your shoulders, and walk away. That you’ve done the best you could, and if that isn’t enough. . . Well, fuck it then.

I’m there.

Today’s quote basically told me the same thing:

“Our battered suitcases were piled up on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” – Jack Kerouac

This is just a stop along the way apparently, and I can’t unpack my shit just yet. I have more to learn, further to travel, so on and so forth.

Secondarily, you can’t unpack and stay where you’re not wanted and valued.

I’m angry and bitter today, that’s apparent. But sometimes angry and bitter are what have to drive you out of staying put when you’re supposed to be moving forward.

I don’t have the time or energy to stay put, to dwell on some shit, to put my energy into this nonsense, when there is so much I can be doing with the time I’m spending worrying about the outcome.

What’s going to happen will happen, regardless if I give no fucks or give all the fucks. But obviously it isn’t happening any time soon, if at all, so I’m opting to stop worrying and wondering and waiting, to stop overthinking and picking at this wound.

Obviously it’s still something that bothers me, and I still want the outcome that I envisioned from the start. But I just cannot see myself sitting around and waiting for that outcome. My general motto is if you want something, you go out and get it. I have done all I can to make my intentions known, I’ve been as patient as I know how to be without any clear direction as to if I should be being patient or start moving forward. . . So I’m choosing to move forward. There’s no markers pointing me in the right direction. So I have to pick the direction that is going to provide me the most peace. The path I am currently on is wrought with feelings of inadequacy, and anxiety.

I’m worth so much more than that.

Today’s quote told me it’s okay to not stand still, which while this is something I already knew, it’s something that I apparently didn’t know well enough. It reminded me that it’s okay to try and wait something out, but you don’t need to unpack and sit down and get comfortable there. In order to grow you cannot settle for less than you deserve, you cannot wait for someone else to make your life decisions.

Sometimes you need to burn a bridge so you have enough light to see the other paths available to you. Sometimes you need to pick up your suitcases and walk away.

Happy Friday, folks. Don’t be afraid of moving forward.