My eyes drifted open in the pale morning light, filtered by blinds and curtains. I noticed the road was already busy outside from the sounds of it, and glanced at the time on my phone – 658am. I sighed, not wanting to get up yet and realized . . . Holy shit! It’s Saturday! The house was quiet, the kids still slept, and I had nothing immediately pressing to do. I opted to lay there, content under the blanket, debating how to start my day. Yoga? It’s one of the things I’ve missed the most over the last few months, but all of a sudden I have little to no desire to do it. Really it just sounded good to make a cup of coffee and shower and get on with my day. I knew it was going to be a busy one. But for the moment, it was just me and the warmth under the blankets and my thoughts.
Eventually (after almost an hour of just quiet bliss in solitude) I got up, opened the blinds, made my coffee and started my day. Answering texts and taking a phone call, listening to music (Adelita’s Way has been a permanent fixture this week), figuring bills and otherwise planning my day. I started laundry and made my bed. . . Just typical Saturday morning stuff for me. Eventually Chase woke and we planted ‘his’ garden with tomato, green beans, strawberries and carrots, along with some daisy’s and cosmos in pots. We pulled some weeds and he helped me thin the lettuce, and content with our work for the day, I called it good. He jumped on the trampoline while I cleaned up, and we headed out to begin our day. By this time it was noon, and the sun was shining brightly. I rolled the windows down, just a little so he wouldn’t get too much wind in the back seat but I could feel the breeze, turned up the radio and began our drive. It occurred to me as I headed towards our first stop, with the sun shining and the music playing, that I was genuinely happy for the first time in over a week. I was excited for the day ahead, happy with the moment we were in. I wondered how I could go from not okay to completely happy just that quick. Which. . . Drum roll . . . Brings us to today’s quote.
“Wisdom begins in Wonder.” – Socrates
I wore a t-shirt, but packed a tank top and a sweatshirt just in case, because I didn’t know what the day would bring. Turns out I was justified in my planning because after dropping Chase off to prepare for his second birthday celebration, I headed to Sophia’s to help her plant her flowers. And I went from t-shirt to tank top to t-shirt to tank top to sweatshirt in a matter of five hours. As I sat in the sun while she did something that didn’t require my assistance, and felt it warming my sun-thirsty skin I was again struck by that happy feeling, that content with the moment feeling. And I wondered again at it. As I stood talking with friends at Chase’s birthday celebration it hit me again, as I laughed with Sophia as we drove back to her house, there it was again. I wondered each time but not for too long. . . It felt so good to be having fun and be genuinely happy, to not feel like I was forcing it.
There was time with my little one, and dirt under my nails as I first planted with him, and again with Sophia. There was music and sunshine and a couple adult beverages, laughter, and several people that make up the rock steady foundation of my life that I have slowly, tediously built over the last several years. I found genuine joy in the things and people that surrounded me today.
I drove home, feeling the sunburn I was bound to get start to tighten the skin over my cheekbones, with the windows down and the radio up. I immediately went to jump in the shower, and dirt dusted off the jeans I had kneeled on the ground in, ran from my feet and hands as the water hit me, I happily noted the tan lines on my shoulders and even on my feet from my sandles, and I smiled once again. What an amazingly perfect day.
During the happiest moments of the day I also had those fleeting thoughts of wonder, those flahes of almost guilt over my complete and utter happiness when just yesterday I was self admittedly not okay. I pushed them to the side though so I could fully enjoy myself. As I showered after my day I allowed myself to think on it a bit, to explore my head and heart.
I think Socrates was more talking about how curiosity can bring learning, and when I read the quote this morning I immediately thought of my kids, much younger, watching an ant hill and asking questions about it. They each did this respectively around the age of four, and I taught each of them what I knew about ant colonies and how the whole system worked flawlessly. First to Matthew and then to Chase, almost exactly six years later. Quite literally, there is wisdom in wonder.
But there’s also wisdom in wondering how you yourself operates, and taking stock of how you’re doing and why you’re doing the things you’re doing and how you’re reacting and coping.
All I could come up with was I genuinely had reason to be happy today. I have wonderful people in my life, my kids are amazing, and the sun was shining. Amongst the happy I had moments of feeling like something was missing, but they were fleeting. I was too wrapped up in all the activity and happiness that surrounded me. There was absolutely no reason for me to feel guilty for finding happiness today and reveling in it. But I did wonder at it, and I did think on it. It doesn’t mean I feel any less strongly than I did yesterday. It just means that I felt other things today, too. And that’s wonderful. I needed to.
I’m pretty sure my ears are sunburned, and I ache a little and am tired to the bone. It really was a wonderful day.
I hope you had a wonderful day, too. Happy Saturday. Take a moment to wonder.