Pause

Yesterday I watched Chase get his first school award.

And he looked so proud, and I was proud of him of course.

I remembered doing this exact same thing seven years before with Matthew. The big smile with missing teeth, the excited voice saying, “look momma!”

Later in the evening I looked at my 5’7 Matthew, remembering him at Chase’s age.

It’s strange, this age gap. Its like I get to hit rewind and do it over again. And sometimes its tiresome, but mostly I just think how lucky I am to experience life this way. I get to see life not only from my perspective but again through Matthew and then yet again through Chase. I remember showing Matt ant hills for the first time, how he watched in wonder for almost an hour. Not touching, just observing. And then again with Chase, who was hands on, wanting to see what happened if he covered the hole, if he put something in their way, wanting to bring them food. . . Two boys, both curious in different ways.

The boys are so different, yet the same.

When Matt was Chase’s age, I often got a glimpse of the teenager he would become, and I wasn’t far off in my imaginings. Tall, dark headed and too smart for his own good – and I wasn’t wrong.

I don’t often get that glimpse with Chase. Matt was older than his years, I think because life was a little harder for him as I figured my life out, not to mention his battle with both a behavior and learning disorder. Chase has the opportunity to completely be a child, he gets to be completely innocent a little longer, with no behavior or learning disorders getting in the way. So the glimpses at an older child are few and far between.

But as Chase stood up to go accept his award, I got a glimpse of skinny long legged boy, with a bright smile and stubborn still twinkling in his eyes.

I wonder about the men my boys will become.

They’re going to go far, and it will be too soon. I watch Matthew and miss my little boy, and hug Chase a little tighter because I know soon he will be Matt’s age and I won’t have anyone to tickle and play with. As much as I enjoy being able to watch movies that don’t have a cartoon theme with Matt, I miss our afternoons with Curious George and watching him do puzzles.

Parenting is horrible. Its sand slipping through your fingers, and the rate that it flows through seems to increase every day. I’m teaching my children how to walk away from me, with hopes that they won’t go to far.

Chase still tells silly little kid jokes about cows and chickens. Matt walks around making penis jokes. It’s a world of difference. I love them each for who they are right now, missing ones innocence and anxiously anticipating one maturing.

What a world.

I always say I wouldn’t change my life for anything.

But if it had a pause button, that would be nice.