Five minutes until bed, and I see a post on Facebook that inspires a pretty deep thought, which in turn leads to a potential blog post. . .
“I have died more than I have lived.” That’s the line that got to me.
I talk a lot about grief and sadness. I talk a lot about the hardships I’ve faced. And I talk a lot about silver lining.
Because at the end of the day it is the pain I have endured that makes me appreciate the little lights in my life.
I had a long talk with Grandma today about being grateful for what we have. We were headed to the store to find a specific color of garland for our freshly cut down Christmas tree when we came to a corner where an elderly man held a sign asking for help – he was homeless. And I sighed deeply and wished I had cash. “God, and it’s so cold out. I bet he’s a Vet.” Grandma commented, looking bothered herself.
There we were, going to the store to shop for teal and silver garland when we had plenty of red garland down in the basement. . . and this man was standing on a corner wishing for a couple bucks so he could eat.
This world is bullshit sometimes.
But this is what I’m talking about.
I’ve known sadness and pain, and I’ve faced some really fucking hard times. I’ve written of a lot of it, and some of it I haven’t come to terms with enough to write about it.
But I’ll tell you something.
First, I realize how damn good I’ve got it.
I don’t live in a mansion, my car isn’t the most current.
But I have a roof over mine and my kids heads, and a vehicle. and a job. I have people that if shit hit the fan and times got hard again they would give me what they could so me and mine could survive. We would make it.
“I have died more than I have lived.”
In my own words – I have known great sadness so I can appreciate happiness. I have had little so I can appreciate that I have anything at all. It doesn’t take much to make me smile because I realize that it’s the little things that matter the most. A childs laugh, a butterfly floating by on the breeze, the first bloom of a flower. . . The smell of freshly cut grass or leaves burning or freshly baled hay. . . When my little one jumps into my arms after a long day, or Matt tells me that dinner was good or my dog paws at my leg for a pet. . . I can have the worst day in the world going and something small makes me smile.
And in taking into consideration the whole quote. . .
I am exactly that, I am many things. I can speak intelligently, I have a large vocabulary, but I pepper it with swear words. I wear jeans and tshirts and work boots but I also need to put on mascara and straighten my hair. I can go from my 9-6 professional slacks and a blouse to my 7 to midnight rock concert attire in less than half an hour and wake up at 7am and make my kids pancakes and bacon in yoga pants and a long sleeved tshirt, messy mom bun included. Often I realize that I am so many things, I wear so many hats. . . its dizzying.
And it’s because of this crazy fucked up life of mine. And I’m grateful because if it hadn’t been for all the ups and downs I couldn’t be all the things I need to be, I couldn’t keep up with the demand.
So I stop and smell the rose while rock blasts into my ears, I dig my painted nails into the dirt so I can grow things. . . I go to the store searching for flowers and come out with power tools. . .
And I love my life with every inch of my heart and every ounce of my soul because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I value every inch I walk over and every sight I see and every sound I hear. And maybe I feel too much and try to do too much. . . But I could blink and it would all be gone. I’d rather feel too much than nothing at all, I’d rather try too hard than not at all. . . I would rather embrace every moment than let it slip by, unnoticed. . .
In the blink of an eye I could be on a street corner with a sign.
So I embrace what I have, because I know what I have lost and I know that I could lose everything that I have gained. I value every breath I take and smile through the clusterfuck. I am all that I am because of the crazy. And maybe I’m hard to understand. Maybe I’m confusing to those looking at the outside, at the painted nails with dirt underneath them. But you can’t know looking at the outside what makes a person who they are.
I haven’t died more than I have lived. I have had to die so that I can live.