The Anti-bucket List

Things I will (hopefully) never do again:

• Think it is a good idea to either A.) Slather baby oil on my seemingly unable to tan legs and lay out in the sun for two hours or B.) Get lost in a book while laying in the sun during a Michigan August with said book held over my head. These things result in quite a lot of discomfort. Read, hard to sit down and hard to put arms at sides with burned armpits. See also: I am more Caucasian than Mexican.
• Decide that it is a great idea to use a freshly washed knife to cut a freshly washed watermelon. Yes. I did get stitches.
• Leave a toddler alone in the same room as a tin of bag balm. No matter how high of a shelf it is on. But yes, Dawn dishsoap legit cuts the grease.
• Leave a toddler alone in the same room with anything that requires a cap. Markers, pop, water, juice, those cute dollar store stamps? Yup. That’s a disaster waiting to happen.
• Let a young child be in charge of not letting the dog escape the bathroom while dog is being given a flea bath. In case you are inclined to do this to teach your child responsibility or something, don’t. He will feel sorry for the dog and let her out and it will take you 45 minutes to coax her from under the bed.
• Allow your child to bring crayons into the car in the summer. They will melt into the car seats. This will not be discovered until you are going somewhere where your child is supposed to look nice, and they will end up with melted crayon on their bottom.
• Think it is an awesome idea to buy a rock tumbler for Christmas for my child. It takes a month of constant running of the machine for the rocks to be made smooth. It is loud.
• Think I can make homemade, authentic Mexican food while drunk on margaritas. Fyi: I’m not Mexican enough.
• Wear high heeled boots to a concert the day before I am supposed to move the contents of my home to another home. Or, wear high heeled boots to a concert, ever, period. Note to self: you are not 20 anymore.
• Think that I am superwoman and move a recliner I no longer need through my home and outside. Please see previous note to self.
• Not check the pockets of every garment that goes into the wash. This is after I have melted crayons and chapstick and gum, after my clothes have been made to smell like fruit snacks no matter how many times I wash them; after the sound of rock on metal has scared me into thinking someone is trying to break into my home. I think I finally have this lesson learned.
• Allow the AC/DC song “big balls” to play in ear shot of young boys. They will think it is hilarious to start singing it. In public. When you least expect it. Preferably in the presence of the elderly.
• Try to rush dying my hair before a job interview. Especially if I have had to bleach it prior to the new color. And am trying to dye it burgundy. Pink isn’t my color, in case you wondered.
• Drink a whole bottle of watermelon pucker on a dare. I don’t care how much money is on the table.
• Use liquid eyeliner. I am not girlie enough, nor coordinated enough. Bloodshot is not the enhancement I was after, for the record.
• Taunt a toddler. Even if the toddler is my own and I’m just joking around. They don’t always see the humor. They throw things when they’re mad. Sometimes these things connect with vital organs or bone. Ask me about my $1000 doctor bill.

I will however continue to find humor in this crazy life of mine, regardless if the mishaps I encounter are from my own careless, stubborn ways. I will continue to learn, and see the bright side of it all. Have a wonderful week, folks. And take a moment to laugh at yourself. It takes the edge off.