Midnight Thoughts

I’m laying awake tonight with heavy thoughts about a situation I have zero control over. I’m not able to go into great detail, however I can make a broad, general statement to help quiet my mind.

I am not an overly religious person; I believe in a higher power but whether He is a he or she or something more, I cannot say; whether He is God, Allah, or goes by another name, I cannot say that either. My belief is in more. More than this physical Earth we walk. I believe in Karma and Fate, in an afterlife where our loved ones occasionally visit us in dreams and by placing signs of their well being in our path. . . And maybe save us from ourselves and others if possible and truly necessary. I do not know what religion is correct, if any are, if it’s some combination of them all. I just know there is a being somewhere that oversees it all, and I thank this higher power regularly for my blessings. BLASPHEMY! Maybe. But to each their own.

I have been blessed with the gift of caring for my two amazing boys, and also my extraordinary brother. Mostly on my own, with some help from others. But the major decisions stem from me, and are carried out by me. And I swear to you, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Did I plan to be a single parent? No. It was not my goal. Fate stepped in and said that I would meet two men and we would have differences that could not be reconciled and I would raise these children with neither of the two men living under the same roof as us. But we would make wonderful, beautiful children together that the world needed. I am 100% okay with that. It isn’t always easy, but I accept it for what it is. Before my father passed he asked if I would care for my brother. And I was floored because he knew as well as I that I wouldn’t trust anyone else with that responsibility. But he asked because he knew my plate was already full. I grabbed another plate to hold the overflow, so to speak. Because my brother is part of me. This also is not easy. My brother and I come from the same parents and were raised stubborn and opinionated, with strong personalities. We lock horns occasionally. But at the end of the day, there is love. He’s my stable ground. I’m his protector.

I am fortunate that I am able to balance everything and still have created this foundation for the boys and my brother of trust, love, and mutual respect. How I’ve done so when I am a constant worrier and continually feel anxious that I’m fucking something up is beyond me. But I think they know subconsciously that I need them as much – if not more – as they need me. I need the hectic and the crazy, I need to solve the problems that life throws our way. I need their love, and I need to protect them as much as humanly possible to feel like I’m worth a damn. And the times I’ve failed? Oh, because I am human and I most definitely have failed them a time or two. . . Those times weigh heavy on my soul. I know I cannot protect them from every bump in life’s road. But if I can soften the blow just a little, I consider myself doing my job.

What do my religious beliefs and the beautiful souls I’m in charge of have to do with each other?

Well.

There are things I cannot protect them from. Things that blind side us. Cruelty exists, and unplanned for scenerios, and I am one person who cannot be everywhere.

There have been a few instances where I have let my protective roar be heard. Where I stood my ground and let wrong-doers have it. Put people in their place with a glance or some scathing words. I am not afraid of anything when it comes to protecting my little family. I would walk through the gates of Hell if it meant protection of these three – Because I love them more than the air I breathe.

And then there are times when I must stay quiet, and subdue my roar. When I must let the Fate and Karma I believe in do their job; when I have to remember our guardian angels are likely Mom and Dad, and if it’s something that can be remedied it will be without me lifting a finger – or my voice. “Do no harm, but take no shit.” I don’t have to always figuratively put myself in front of the train; sometimes I can just move them off the tracks.

Today I am opting to move them off the tracks, because no one will benefit if I make a lot of noise about something out of my control.

I forgive because there are people in the world who know no better, who don’t even know they are doing wrong.

But I don’t forget.

I don’t forget, and if a repeat instance were to present itself I will be better prepared to protect.

In the meantime, I will give these three every ounce of love and stability I have – and watch Karma and Fate walk by and wink at me as they take care of things out of my control.

Sometimes the loudest roar is a whisper. Sometimes the biggest statement is none at all.

Love to you all. Thank you for reading through my ramblings.

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