Chasm

A toxic person, to me. . . It’s someone who not just brings uncertainty to your life. That can be a good thing. Mix it up, take an adventure. That’s fine. No, I’m talking bad uncertainty. Someone who makes you question their motives, their intentions. Who from one day to the next, you don’t know where you stand. Someone who promises you the moon one day but – one of my favorite lines I ever wrote – only provides a questionable rock the next. I need certainty. I need someone who I know where I stand – always. You cannot convey strong feelings and then take them back. Playing head games, stringing someone along, these are not acceptable ways to treat someone.

I have a knack for drawing these types of individuals to me. Like I have a neon sign saying “I love train wrecks!”

Truth is, I have a thing for people that need fixing. The people who no one understands. I know it stems from my childhood, and always having to fix situations and be the rock people lean on. I don’t need a shrink to tell me that. I also learned the term “co-dependancy” when I was 12 or so, and have fought to not be that person my entire life. Still, there’s a draw between me and people who need help.

So, this Fall, seeing where I was in life and this consistent habit, I cut out several people who fit the description. Those that needed me but I was unable to help, and who were playing head games to keep me hanging and promising celestial bodies and giving me sandstone.

I just don’t have the time.

I love these people. How much is psychological and how much is real love is debatable. I love the way they make me feel when they’re saying beautiful words to and about me. When I can see and maybe even damn near reach the moon they’re promising me. But when they take it away. . . The crash of depression that hits is absolutely debilitating, and I don’t have time to feel down. I don’t have time for the rollercoaster. There’s too much in my life to take time off for being sad. There’s no such thing as a day off in my life, truthfully. Why should I keep creating situations where I want to curl up and pretend the world doesn’t exist?

So, I made the plunge and cut these individuals out. No explanation given. I walked away.

It’s been roughly four months since I did this. I did “lose” people I felt understood me at levels no one else ever has. However, I felt they used their knowledge against me. So there was some withdrawl. I had no one to vent to who had been there through some of my rougher times, who knew my whole story and not just the last year or so. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. But after the first couple of weeks I grew used to it and leaned on real friends, and had consistency in these people – namely Dorothy and Sophia. It was nice to be off the rollercoaster. I can now call either of them and just say “Why do people have to piss me off?” and they’re ready to listen, even if it’s the 77th time I’ve called that day. I’m never met with annoyance and I’m never made to feel as though I’m a pest. For once, I feel safe leaning on someone. These ladies aren’t going anywhere.

I’ve been tracking my moods through my bullet journal to kind of find my triggers. There are days when I feel sluggish and lethargic, while most days I am fairly motivated. I wanted to know why. So I began tracking about two months ago. And I’ve found that I am consistently happy. I’m a little all over the place while menstruating. When it’s gloomy for more than a day, I begin to feel tired, that sluggish lethargy I mentioned.

I found. . . That I’m normal. At least, in the mood department. I need sunshine. My hormones play a part in my mood.

These toxic individuals are not a part of my life, and my moods are fairly consistent to being. . . Holy shit . . . Human. I wasn’t tracking before I walked away from them, but I can recall the range of emotions and when they called me crazy, I felt maybe there was some merit in the comments. But there wasn’t. I was trying to fix these people, and I couldn’t . I was depending on them to give me all they promised, and when they didn’t it fucked up my emotions. These are also normal, human traits. However, it is not normal to keep subjecting yourself to such inconsistency.

Four months ago I walked away, and none of them seemed to notice. I was never contacted and asked why. Let alone any of then checking up and seeing how I was. That showed me just how important to them I was. It bothered me at first, but guess what? While occasionally they do still enter my mind, eventually the hurt went away and I have been living my consistently happy life. Without them.

Some may call it burning bridges.

But if that bridge has holes in Between planks, if the supports are shaky. . .

I’d rather risk jumping across the chasm, trusting myself, then these iffy bridges that could result in injury anyway.

I came across this on Facebook last night, and while I laughed at the humorous way it was worded, I could 100% agree with it. I shared the post, even though those toxic people I had removed couldn’t see it, or didn’t care that I had cut them out.

I shared the post and moved on with my life. And one of these individuals actually did reach out to me today, strangely enough. Supposedly by accident, sending me a message on Facebook. After four months, my initial reaction was happiness. Finally this person missed me. Took long enough.

And then I stopped myself. No, no, no. I had to talk myself off the bridge. I had to remember every single time that promised moon was a shitty rock, every time I needed to lean on someone and this person was too busy for me.

Sometimes, to fully burn a bridge, you have to restart the fire.

I could have ignored the message, but I knew from past experience the person wouldn’t have let that be that. The individual had left me alone for months, yes. But undoubtedly this person hadn’t needed me for anything for months, and now a need had arisen.

So, I re-started the fire. I answered the message and in no uncertain terms told the person to leave me to my life. To take their toxic ways somewhere else. At first, I don’t think I was taken seriously. I have a history of getting mad and spouting off and then apologizing for being “impatient” and “hot headed.” No more of that. After years and years of the same patterns, I was going to break this one. I told them that while I always will care for them, I care about myself more.

And it’s true. I love being off the rollercoaster. I love knowing what each day will bring – for the most part. My life is predictably crazy, if you can understand that at all. I love not waiting all day for my phone to ring or ping with a message from one of these individuals, I don’t miss the disappointment when I waited all day for nothing, the anger when I would message them and be blatantly ignored. We have good memories, but I would much rather look at them from my side, across the chasm.