Doors

Okay, so I’ve been kinda quiet, trying to trudge my way through this mess. 

Facts are, I’m stuck with Clarice for a little longer, and I’m very upset about it.

I went to several different dealers, and they all told me the same thing. I’m eligible to get a car through them, but with the negative equity of my current vehicle (I currently owe a few thousand more than what she’s worth, which makes me sick) I can’t get the payments I want unless I have a down payment. A significant one. And that isn’t an option for me.

Silver lining. 

1. Two years ago, I struggled to get a vehicle through a dealer, period. Which is how I got saddled with this whore. I went to a less than reputable dealer who fudged some numbers to get me a car. While I’m sort of thankful for his dishonesty on my behalf, he was also dishonest with me. I’ve sunk thousands into her, on top of my monthly payments. So, two years ago I didn’t have any credit established, and now I do. I guess that’s good. 

2. I talked to my brother who said that I may be freaking out over nothing. It may just be that my fuel filter is old. So I’m gonna have that changed, a cheap part, and hope for the best. 

3. In light of all of this, everything happens for a reason. In a few months, when I have some more paid down on her and I have money for a down payment, maybe I can do better. I settled with Clarice because I was in a pinch. This time, I won’t have to settle. I have credit established, a better job. Matt made the comment, “yeah, maybe you can get that new Ford truck we saw on the factory tour!” Oh sweet Jesus. While that truck is more attractive to me than most men, I’m not gonna allow myself to dream that big. But I think I can get damn close. 

What it all comes down to is that this experience has taught me that while I’m not in my desired position in life just yet, I’ve made progress. And I need to not panic.

Clarice has given me no problems since the incident at the restaurant Tuesday. She’s started up every time with no hesitation. I did throw some fuel injector cleaner in her today on brothers recommendation. I’ve also stayed relatively close to home. I took her to best buy last night because Matt batted his eyelashes at grandma and talked her into a game that was half off. I did go to my eye appointment today, and ordered new glasses. Apparently, just my left eye is fucked up. Go figure. And that’s another thing. This is the first time ever that I have had health insurance that wasn’t state funded, and it felt really good to actually pay for my visit, and choose glasses that weren’t in the trays they keep specifically for state insurance recipients. I had pick of the whole store. While I did have a budget, I didn’t have to be sanctioned to those two trays of rather ugly choices. And I’m paying a copay for them. It feels amazing. 

Anyway, I also went to the mall and did some bargain shopping, and hit the library to get some new reading material. I’m still burning through Nora Roberts books. Matt realized he forgot a book at school that he needs to finish by Monday, so we hit two other libraries to find it. So I did drive her. But she’s got me paranoid. Every time I get in her I’m afraid she’s not gonna start, that she’s gonna leave me high and dry one day like Betty, my Focus that died two years ago, did. Deep breaths. Accept the things you cannot change. I cannot change this situation that I’m in. Short of me getting a sugar daddy that is, haha. 

I did cook an amazing Thanksgiving dinner, and I’ve spent a lot of time reading. I haven’t been doing yoga, and was plagued with horrible back pain yesterday for it. So I did a couple sessions and am feeling an improvement. I did some outdoor Christmas decorating. I played the Wikipedia game with Matt last night. One of my questions for Matt: “A person that makes barrels for wine storage is known by what title?” Matt’s answer: “A drunk?” 

The kid never fails to crack me up.

I also have done some soul searching, and removed some toxic people from my social media. These are people that I care for immensely, but not only do not serve who I am and what I’m trying to do with my life, but also cause me anxiety. People that are all words and no actions to back the words. Promisers of the moon and can only provide a questionable chunk of rock. I’m done with all of that. Come or go, I could really give a flying fuck. But for god sake don’t stand in the doorway; you’re blocking traffic.

And if they’re meant to be in my life, they’ll find their way back. Hopefully when they’re more decisive. 

I’ve had a good weekend despite my depressed and quiet mood. 

If you don’t mind, I’m going to sink back into my book world though. Happy Saturday.