At the End of the Tunnel

This post was originally started in March of 2022, and has sat in draft status. . . I wasn’t sure where I was going with it. I’ve detailed my struggles in so many posts, and I felt it was just a little redundant.

Recently, I reconnected with an old friend. We spent a lot of time catching up on what has transpired over the last couple of decades, and I shared many of my old blog posts. I could have verbally related everything that has happened since we last spoke, but in a lot of instances, it was easier to just share a link – I have said everything I felt needed to be said on a lot of topics, and I said it well in the posts I’ve written. In verbally telling the stories, I felt that I was missing important parts and emotions that were key aspects of those stories. 

Re-reading some of the things I’ve written, and thus reliving some of those feelings gave me reason to pause. . . I’ve come so goddamn far, and I am so proud of myself.

And this post that has sat in drafts for so long. . . It explains how.

There have been so many times that I have stared down the well of despair, and wondered to myself just how in the hell I was going to get out of the predicament I was in.

Single motherhood – not just once, but twice. Broken down vehicles, shitty jobs, lack of money, the loss of so much of my family, the handful of breakups I’ve come through . . . I have looked into the bleak and hopeless and wondered how I was going to keep moving forward, if there was in fact light at the end of the tunnel, and if life would ever be ‘easier’ or ‘better’. I searched for the littlest shit to be happy about on some days – new, fun socks? I had to be excited and happy about it because my dad was in the hospital and I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. The sun came out while it was raining and made a rainbow? I had to stop and appreciate the beauty because my car was broken down – again –  and I didn’t know how I was getting my kids to school and me to work the next day.

I often wondered – would I ever have a time in my life where there wasn’t some form of bullshit or another plaguing my existence and making my life hard? Would I ever know a day when I didn’t wake up dreading facing one cataclysmic situation or another? Would I ever be able to not have to scrimp and save just to afford the basics? Would I always be figuring out how to navigate impossible situations, jumping hurdles, and just barely surviving?

I have pulled myself out of holes that I have dug for myself, and holes others threw me into. I have experienced betrayal and abuse, and a lot of shitty people have crossed my path in this life.

I always remained a little hopeful though. I couldn’t imagine that I was going through so much for there to be no reward. I couldn’t imagine that I was working towards nothing.

So I found the bright spots – the fun socks, the rainbows, the new sunglasses and small wins. And I kept telling myself that someday, I would have more to celebrate.

Eventually, I found my way out of the darkness. I just kept pushing forward, and avoided looking backwards. I kept finding the bright spots. I kept my eyes focused on the fabled light at the end of the tunnel.

Talking with this old friend, I took the time to look at a lot of the awful situations behind me. I marveled, honestly. How did I get from there. . . to here?

Broken down cars and shitty jobs and no money and hopeful hopelessness. . .

Somehow, I brought me and my little family through the shit storms. Somehow, I got from there. . . to here. 

I have a nice vehicle. My biggest concern is Gwendolyn needs tires sooner rather than later. Otherwise? She’s an absolute pleasure after the shit vehicles I have owned previously.

I have found secure employment, and I am financially comfortable, in an industry that fulfills me – and for a reputable company. My biggest concern? I’ve got none, honestly. I’ve been promoted time and again, and really I just wonder where I’ll be in a year with the company. I’d be content where I am. But I wouldn’t be opposed to a change, either. It’s a good problem to have.

My kids are happy, and healthy, and absolutely fucking amazing. They adore me, and it’s plain in how comfortable they are with picking on me and hanging out with me. Even though I refuse to take all the credit for the amazing humans they are, I know that I parented them well. Despite the struggles, despite the dark times, I pulled it off. My biggest concern is more a hopefulness that they have inherited my drive to be the best that they can be – because they both have so much potential to do this world a lot of good. 

My brother is happy in the simple life he’s built. That’s always been my hope for him – that he would be happy. My only concern is his stubbornness, but then again – dad didn’t raise us to be anything but stubborn. I couldn’t expect anything but that from him, and I admire and respect him for the man he has become.

I have my writing when the mood strikes, and my books, and my music. I have amazing friends who understand me, and value me.

Life is still hectic. I do, after all, have many people who depend on me, and I have a career to balance, and a home to maintain.

I’m in no way trying to brag here. I have fought tooth and nail to get to this point in my life. I have climbed, and fallen, and dusted myself off and climbed again. This is the light at the end of the tunnel that I was striving for. This life . . . This hectic but happy life. . . Is everything that I hoped it would be. Is it perfect? Definitely not. Am I through all the shit storms life could possibly throw my way? I have zero illusions that I won’t encounter further dilemmas that will require me to think on my feet and pull off some impossible shit. 

But having crossed the bridges I have, I am absolutely prepared for whatever life can, and undoubtedly will, throw my way. 

Ten, twenty years ago, I kept finding myself in these absolutely discouraging scenarios. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to give up. I knew that it wasn’t an option, though. I knew that I had to persevere. I grasped at the little things to keep me moving forward. To keep my family happy, and healthy, and cared for. Sometimes that meant a quick cry in the bathroom, and then taking the boys to the park to kick a ball around to distract myself. Sometimes it was burying my head into a book to escape for just a short while so I could tackle whatever problem lay at my feet at that moment. Sometimes it was blasting the music so loud that I couldn’t feel a goddamn thing, so I could approach a situation in a rational and objective way. Sometimes I worked twelve hour days to clean the house for three more to sleep for four to do it all again the next day. Because I had these three humans that depended on me and my ability to move forward. In the midst of it all, I had my little bright spots, and my kids and my brother providing their support by just existing. 

My point is this – 

There’s nothing that you can’t do. There is nothing on this planet that can knock you down, and keep you down . . . as long as you keep focused on the good parts. As long as you keep your focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, there’s nothing that can keep you from reaching it. It is worth the fight, it is worth the struggle. I promise. . . life may be hard right now. But the light does exist, and you will reach it. You just gotta keep pushing yourself towards it.

Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash