Live Out Loud

Ever since I saw this quote in my quote book, I knew (essentially) what I was going to write. I’ve been writing from this quote book on and off for several years, and while the topic has come up in different words from time to time, I feel like it’s a topic that strikes a chord with me – I feel very strongly about living life to the fullest.

If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud. – Emile Zola

I lived a lot of my life quiet and meek. I didn’t want to make waves or draw attention to myself. The attention that I got early in life wasn’t always positive, and the last thing I wanted to do was draw more of that. More to the point, my childhood and early adulthood was wrought with negativity and abuse. My defense was to not draw attention to myself. It was safer to keep my head down and quietly live life, complying and staying to myself. I kept connections to a minimum, lost myself in my books and made myself small. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be anything but what I was – all of the negative that was instilled in me.

As I moved myself out of that lifestyle, and began to really get to know myself, I found that I was drawn to the things that were loud, and vibrant. The things that made me happiest were not always soft and quiet. I think I will always love a quiet, rainy afternoon curled up with a book. But I also enjoy being close to a stage at a rock concert, feeling the vibration of drums in my chest and guitars screaming in my ears. I enjoy adventure, and shenanigans. I enjoy making moves, and pushing myself forward in my career. I enjoy putting my experiences out there into the world – the good and the bad. Sometimes reliving the bad stuff is hard. But ultimately, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, it helps me heal, and hopefully it helps other people to know that they aren’t alone, and you truly can live a wonderful, happy life despite the ugliness your past may have held.

In a nutshell – I can say that this life has given me an appreciation for the ostentatious and thunderous experiences, as well as an appreciation for the quiet, simple things in this world. I’m lucky, really. I can appreciate both aspects of life.

I have a tendency to revert back to old ways when things get too hectic; a day in bed binge watching TV after a concert, or after a day of socializing I may be more withdrawn. If I went through something that is stressful or triggers my traumas, I will absolutely dive inwards, where it’s safe and quiet and I can think.

But I no longer have the ability to stay there.

I found that while that space is safe, it gets to be a little boring, and it is not very fulfilling.

I have a desire to live this life to it’s fullest. I want to travel and go to concerts and experience new things. I want to wear bright colors and obnoxious sunglasses, I want to be seen and heard and spread all of the love and joy that I have come to appreciate in this life. Because there truly are so many wonderful things in this world.

I can’t say that I’ve ever felt anything just a little bit. My emotions have always been extreme. There’s not much that is black and white for me. I see everything brightly and boldly. I love with my whole heart, I give my all to every relationship, either friendship or otherwise. But if I don’t feel fulfilled from something, it (or they) have no place in my life. I don’t have the time or patience for the mundane on a regular basis. I am on this earth for fucking magic – and if it is missing in my life, I absolutely will go out and find it.

I am here to make moves and make an impact. Professionally, socially, emotionally. . . I am here to experience this life and make this world a better place. My little corner of the earth is small, and I have a very small circle of people that I allow in – but those people know they’re loved. They have no reason to question my intentions. Those that are no longer in my circle are no longer a part of it because they weren’t conducive to my growth or my well being. But I hope that while they were a part of my life, that I helped them on their path, and I made their world’s a little brighter.

I am here to experience it all – the love and sadness and the loneliness and the laughter. For the accomplishments and downfalls. I am here to see and to feel, to smell and taste and live. I do not want to live in a bubble of safety. I want to take chances and make decisions based on my gut and not the whisper of doubt that sometimes plagues me. I want to watch the sun rise and the sun set and play in the ocean and walk amongst the trees of a rainforest and see other cities and states and countries. I want to move forward in this life – I am not here to remain stagnant. I don’t want to limit myself because my little corner is safe, and predictable. I have created a safe space for myself, yes – but I want to come back to it to recharge, not hide in it.

As I mentioned, this isn’t the first time I’ve written on this topic. I can think of a handful of posts just off the top of my head. The favorites that come to mind are Live to the Point of Tears and Death by Rock and Roll. Both explain in detail how I get so much enjoyment out of life – even the simple things mean so much and provide so much joy to me. I think I’ve always had this philosophy, to live life to the fullest – once I discovered that there was more to the world than other people’s opinions, anyway. That sometimes you have to do what you want, and fuck what other people think. Yesterday’s post kind of touches on the topic, too – life is scary and confusing. But to move forward, to experience all the wonderful things in this very short life we are given, we have to take chances and do the most with the time we’re given.

And maybe you’re not of that mindset. Maybe you enjoy quiet, and solitude. Maybe you find solace in the mundane and simple. To each their own. I’m not here to tell you that you’re wrong. There is definitely something about a solid schedule and routine that comforts me. But there’s something invigorating about stepping outside of the day to day and into a new experience, too.

Me personally? I can’t live only in the predictable and mundane.

I’m here to live life out loud.

Photo by Jack Finnigan on Unsplash