I haven’t written much in the past few years- as I’ve explained in the spotty posts I have written, I’ve been real busy living life. Day trips and concerts, vacations and various shenanigans with friends. My children are growing up at a rate that is absolutely inconceivable. Matt’s doing fantastic in college, Chase is getting ready to start middle school, and pretty soon they’ll be all the way grown. Soon, raising them will just be a memory.
I haven’t felt the need to write, either. I did a lot of healing through my past writing, and coping with my past traumas didn’t seem to be quite as necessary – I felt good about the progress I made, and I didn’t feel as though much of anything was holding me back.
Things are still really good, as I relayed in my Saturday morning post. I feel good about the track that I am on, I feel confident that things will continue to move forward, that there won’t be anymore of this two steps forward, seventy-five steps back nonsense that has been my life thus far.
However.
I’m getting the itch to write again, so here we are. I pulled out the quote book I used so diligently in the past, and I’m ready to see what it brings up.
Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good, behave yourself and never mind the rest. – Beatrix Potter
I mean, honestly – this has been my philosophy through life. Worry about my self, believe that everything happens for a reason, and all of it will ultimately work out. . . and fuck the rest.
I don’t know how else to look at life.
I could have let all the hard shit drag me down, and I could have let it take over. I could have let it defeat me. The loss, the passing of my parents, the betrayals, the scraping to get by . . . not to mention all the nonsense that was my childhood. I could have sat back and let it all discourage me. I could have let the bad win. This life I’ve built wouldn’t exist, though. I hate to think where we would be if I hadn’t plowed through all of the hard stuff.
As I’ve expressed before though, there was a price. I shoved a lot of shit down. I didn’t have time to process certain situations and problems, and some of the trauma I’ve gathered through this life surfaces at some real inconvenient times. I knew during those difficult times that if I sat down and dwelled on the shit hand I had at the moment, that it would in fact derail the progress I had made, and keep me from pushing forward. In my mind, Scarlett O’Hara had the right idea – “After all, tomorrow is another day.” I made a promise to myself a while ago that once life wasn’t so hard, I would take the time to sit with those things as they come up. And, I’ve been doing it. It’s hard, but the reward is I’m becoming more acquainted with myself and why I am the way I am. The reward is healing.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m feeling more secure now than I have previously or what, but stuff has been coming up more frequently recently. I have always had to look over my shoulder, keep an eye out for the other shoe to drop, so on and so forth. So even though I have this glass half full mentality, I am also a realist – the story of my life is filled with great successes, but also with a shit ton of set backs. It’s hard to not be looking for the things that could go wrong sometimes. It’s hard to not think that just because the cards seem to be in my favor now, that the cosmic dealer won’t take it all away, and give me the shit hand I’m so accustomed to.
So, I decided to open up the quote book to see what it brings up, so I can work through these feelings, and the past shit I didn’t have time to think about. I want to be able to fully enjoy all that life is rewarding me with now- without second guessing, without looking over my shoulder. I don’t want to continue to doubt that I deserve the life I’ve built for myself. I don’t want to keep looking for the storm clouds to descend, even though the horizon holds nothing but bright skies.
I don’t know that I’ll ever work through all the bad I have encountered in this life. But I do know that it is worth it to try. I deserve peace. I deserve mental well being. I deserve to enjoy all the good that life has in store for me.
Happy Wednesday, folks. Take a moment to enjoy the good – sometimes, there isn’t bad on the horizon, sometimes the storm passes us by. . . sometimes, good happens because you deserve it.
So, This is Real Life 