I was up late last night, wrapping gifts for my Chaser’s 8th birthday. I truly cannot believe how fast time goes, and after looking through old photos it’s mind boggling how much he’s grown. It’s as I sat listening to music and wrapping gifts that something struck me so hard I had to stop for a moment and gain my composure before continuing.
I’ve steadily been sleeping through the night, dead to the world for 8 odd hours. I mentioned this in a previous post, and have determined that this whole pissing rainbows thing is draining me emotionally and mentally. . . It’s hard work finding good in a less than ideal situation. I let go a little bit last night. I’ve been holding back a lot of my feelings, trying to wish them away. Trying to pretend I’m okay. Guys, I’m a fucking liar. My life moves forward, I have a lot to be grateful for and can and will always be able to find those things to be happy about, I’ll always be able to keep going . . . But I’ve been lying to myself to make it through. Which – you guessed it – brings us to today’s quote:
“The truth is the kindest thing we can give folks in the end.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe
I’ve been looking overly hard for just the littlest thing to brighten my day, and running with it. I’ve been doing more and going more just to keep occupied. I’ve been overly cheerful outwardly, and hiding what I was truly feeling from myself. I’m not saying that what I’ve done, how I’ve opted to cope, is necessarily bad. The mind does what it needs to do to adjust and come to terms with things. I’m so familiar with grief that mentally I just automatically went into defense mode and threw up all the walls. As if I don’t have enough already. . . Like a bad infomercial – “but wait! There’s more!” I may joke about it, but it’s really kind of sad that my brain throws up the walls on autopilot now, without me even hitting the go button.
Last night I admitted to myself that I’m not okay.
I am literally going in order with this book, page by page, 1-100. It blew my mind this morning after having a heart to heart with myself and telling myself the truth that Harriet Beecher Stowe’s quote was next. I got the book for Christmas, and didn’t seriously sit down to look at it until I wrote the first post in the Quotes series.
Everything happens for a reason. Y’all know what a fan of that saying I am, and this is a prime example. I got that book and opened it when I needed to. To provide me inspiration and strength when I need it most.
Being honest with others is important, but being honest with yourself must come first. At the end of the day, you are all you have, you are the only person you can depend on. And I’m serious about that, it’s not just some jaded woman telling you that fuck everyone because everyone leaves eventually. . . No. Not everyone leaves. I have some very, very amazing friends who have stuck by me for years and been there through the worst times in my life, and they keep hanging on to me and catching me when I fall. But at 2am when you wake up alone, with only your thoughts for company. . . That’s what I mean. You only have yourself to battle with when it comes to wars of the heart and mind. So you may as well be honest with yourself.
So I took the plunge and admitted to myself first that I’m not okay with this situation. It brought on feelings of not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough. I beat myself up for a minute. And then I admitted to myself it was okay to feel how I feel. It doesn’t make me weak, or dumb or less. It makes me human. Feeling things is natural. We aren’t robots for Christ Sake. I am allowed to feel any way I want to feel. The key is that after admitting to how I feel, after acknowledging it, I give myself permission to move past it. There is a certain freedom in truth. There is still little to nothing I can do to change the situation. But at least I’m not trying to fool myself into believing a lie.
This particular situation is one where I am helpless to change anything, even though I’ve taken the leap to be honest with myself. Being honest with others about it doesn’t change anything either, at least I don’t think it does. But that’s the other part of this. . . Be honest with yourself first, and if bringing that honesty to light can help another person, be honest with them, too. Sometimes you have to tell someone a truth they don’t necessarily want to hear, but at least they aren’t left in the dark about it. At least they know how you feel and where you stand, and ultimately where that leaves them standing. There’s freedom, and over all, kindness in truth. Lies and half truths and witholding information binds and holds you and others back. It keeps you from moving forward, and all other involved parties.
Admitting to yourself that you have been hiding from your feelings is rough. You have betrayed yourself, and that is the hardest truth to admit. I definitely encourage it though.
I didn’t sleep well last night, and woke up way before I should have. Now that I have admitted that I am not okay, it’s going to take awhile for me to really and truly overcome this. I probably won’t sleep for shit for a while, I’ll probably keep avoiding food for a little while, I’ll probably do more crying than I would like to. It may take a day or a week or a month, but at least I’ve made the first step – and that’s all I can do. Keep moving forward and be kind to myself. Allow myself the time I need to heal, and do whatever it takes for me to do that. I would still change the situation if I could. But for now, all I’ve got are my own demons to fight so I can once again overcome a less than stellar situation.
I have a busy weekend ahead celebrating my little ones birthday, and I’m going to enjoy seeing his face light up with the surprises he has in store. There is no better balm for a wounded soul than a child’s joy, and more specifically my child’s joy. So I’m going to start there.
Happy Friday folks. Make a point to be kind enough to yourself to be honest.